Top 10 Things you don’t want to hear on picking up a phone at 3 am:

10.  "Mom?  Can you come down to the police station with $200 for bail?"

9.  "I’m touching myself and wondering what you’re up to..."

8.  "I’m sorry, were you sleeping?"

7.  "Hi, I’d like to order a pizza with everything on it…"

6.  "Please stay on the line for an important announcement concerning our low-rate mortgages…"

5.  "Oops!  I thought this was Bill’s phone."

4.  Two words:  Heavy Breathing.

3.  "Juan, si está jodida puta que no se moleste en volver a casa!"

2.  "I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!"

And the # 1 thing you don’t want to hear on picking up a phone at 3 am:

"All the precincts have reported.  It’s time to start writing your concession speech."