Huh?

(the rest of my post- which got lost in cyber space somewhere)

I had some doubts about that vote when I cast it. I have never been much of a participant in the two party politics of the US. I don’t find the process particularly democratic, since I abhor the electoral college, think that we should have proportional party representation rather than our current system, and to be honest I think proportional parliaments where people vote for a party, and where elections stand on issues, rather than a candidate, is a healthier system. I have openly spent most of my life wishing and working toward building alternatives to only two parties, and sometimes feeling that one has to select the best of the two equally negative choices. But I digress.

I live upstate New York these days – not downstate in New York City. The town I moved to at first had a strong Republican Party, and a very vocal group of anti-feminists. Though my grandfather was a solid Republican (party of Lincoln – he used to proclaim) I did not come of age in the era when Democrat was necessarily equated to Dixiecrat, and so, when my eyes strayed from grass roots organizing to local electoral politics I did support certain Democratic candidates, particularly those with the backing of unions with a large working class and minority membership. Unions like 1199, who represents hospital workers.

My next door neighbor up here was a renter, not a home owner, and she asked me one day if I would put a “Vote Hillary” sign up in my yard. Her landlord would not allow it. He was a staunch Republican and though my neighbor was paying over $1,000 a month to rent her home he threatened her with eviction should she put up a sign for the Clinton campaign. So I took the sign and plopped it onto my front lawn. That night, a person, or persons unknown, came onto my property and removed the sign. I reported it to the town and state police. Their response was laconic and disinterested. One trooper informed me that it had happened all over Ulster County and they couldn’t do anything about it. It was reported in the local papers. I felt angry and violated. I got another sign and spent several nights sitting on my front porch, guarding my right to have a sign for whomever I pleased. A week later, the second sign was removed. I admit, that I was so pissed that I wasn’t thinking clearly about my vote, but I resolved to cast my ballot for Ms. Clinton.

I was uneasy about her, specifically because I didn’t care for Bill Clinton. Contrary to the popular joke bandied around, I have never thought of him as America’s First Black President. I was uneasy about her because I am a feminist. I have long dreamed of a day when this country would be grown-up enough and liberated enough to elect a woman to our highest office. I saw other women around the world in leadership positions – Indira Gandhi, Benazir Bhutto, Golda Meir, Felisa Rincón de Gautier, (mayor of San Juan PR).
I remember Shirley Chisholm’s first run for office, and was moved by eloquent Barbara Jordan. My greatest she-roe was Mrs. Fannie Lou Hamer of the Mississippi Freedom Democratic Party who was “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. As a student of feminist history, I was strongly influenced by Lucy Stone, and Sojourner Truth.

But Hillary Clinton made me uneasy. I was working at the time with Puerto Rican women who were victims of spousal abuse, spousal infidelities, many of whom had been infected with HIV/AIDS by their philandering or drug injecting partners, and while I was working to support poor women in breaking their ties to their abusers, and doing the hard work to get them to open up about the sick-secrets that kept them locked in a cycle of abuse which for many of them ended in death, did I really think I could see Hillary as a role model for any of them? Actually no. I tried to ease my fears about the Clintons and their carpet bagging move into my home state – thinking that Hillary would more than likely be quite distant from her husband. Bill Clinton’s sexual behaviors were no different from the behaviors of many other men in power, so I’m not singling him out, and yes a band of male hypocrites whose practice is the same went after him with a vendetta, but the facts remain. He used his power to influence a female intern, and lied about having sex with her, and others, and demeaned the Oval office. And his wife “stood by her man”. How was I supposed to explain that away to my clients? I left a former husband for his adultery. I am different from my mom’s generations who espoused the “look the other way” theory and “men will be men”. I’d rather live alone than live with a man who strays.

So, I swallowed my uneasiness and voted for Hillary. I did do some research on her, wasn’t particularly impressed with her early teenage infatuation with the politics of Barry Goldwater, but we are all given the chance to grow up, and she was clearly a Democrat these days, and had earned the respect of many members of the minority community, so I pulled the lever, and promptly forgot about her, until the war – or impending war rolled around.

I worked at the World Trade Center, and by luck my sump pump broke that morning and my basement flooded, and I didn’t make it in. I may not be writing this piece had I gotten to work. I was then swept up in the backlash upstate here against my husband who looks like people’s stereotypical “Muslim-Arab”, though he’s a 6 foot three Puerto Rican from Spanish Harlem. Xenophobia was alive and well, and caught up in fears for my husband’s safety I kept one eye on the congress and assured myself that our elected officials wouldn’t let us get caught up yet again, in another futile war like Vietnam, built on lies.

I was wrong. And the woman who I pulled the lever for, voted to throw us into a war against not al-Qaeda – but Iraq, a country whose leader we helped into power. My last hope went down the drain when I saw Colin Powell mouthing the script of the Bush administration, and I watched in horror as millions of Americans glued to their televisions cheered the bombing of Iraq as if it was the annual Macy’s fireworks display.

I took another look at Hillary. I realized that her vote had been influenced by her future plans. As a woman she, or her advisors, felt she needed to look like a hawk – preparation for a future Presidential bid. I also began to pay attention to who was minding the store for the voters here in NY. Not our Senator Clinton, already gearing up for a run for the white house. But Barak Obama was not on my radar. He was only the nice, eloquent young man who made a speech at the Convention.

I began to work with others opposed to the War, a position (shades of Vietnam) viewed as unpatriotic. I grew more and more uneasy at the level of jingoistic rhetoric. When finally the lies and manipulations began to surface I sat and watched and waited for those who claimed to have been duped on the first vote, to get us out of Iraq and to impeach Bush and his cadre.

It didn’t happen. And so, I began to look around some more. And then Katrina happened, and I was caught up in the horror of watching a part of this nation I love, its residents drowned like rats, ignored by its President, and as visions of bloated bodies drifting through the flooded streets of NOLA my emotions were torn apart and I wept. I waited to see what the future would bring. Who would stand up and offer Katrina victims hope?

BTW lest we forget – Katrina victims are still in trailers, those who’ve been able to get back. I hosted an evacuee for 3 months in my home, and my husband accompanied him and his son down to NOLA to look at what was left of his family home – nothing could be salvaged. He’s still waiting for a settlement from FEMA, and he had flood insurance.

John Edwards popped up – announcing his support for Katrina victims, and I began to look at him with interest. But my students pointed out another candidate, the young man I remembered, Barak Obama, and I began to examine him closely. Just who was he?
Did he seriously think that my dearly beloved country, with all its flaws would let a black freshman Senator runs a serious bid for the white house? Apparently he did. And so did many of my students who, while us old folks have been sleeping, have built a network of Myspace and Facebooks and blogs – all foreign to me.

And so I looked harder. The establishment black politicians were solidly in the Clinton camp. Nothing new. But I was never a part of that group anyway, I believed in a rainbow coalition. My Rainbow Coalition was the one espoused by Fred Hampton of the Panthers which included Brown Berets (Chicano), Young Lords (Puerto Rican) AIM (American Indians) I Wor Kuen (Asians) Young Patriots (Appalachian and poor whites). I have never supported Jesse Jackson and his tepid rip-off of Fred’s vision.

As much as I found Edwards interesting, I found Obama more so. Why? Not because he was black. That was actually a disadvantage since cynical me couldn’t imagine a black man making it to the White House – alive. It had to do with his ability to communicate.
I’ve lived my life having the opportunity to hear great communicators. Hampton was one, MLK was another, – but the list is a long one, too long to go into here. Contrary to the popular wisdom, I’m not looking for the Head of State, or shall we say “Figurehead of State” to be a wonk, that’s what Presidents have cabinets for and advisors. I lived in DC long enough to figure out how the work gets done there and who does it – and learned a lot about the process of bringing ideas to legislation and actually getting anything passed given the DC quicksand of bureaucracy and special interests. I was looking for someone who could actually mobilize Americans – you know, “we” the people, and not just “them” the officials. Edwards – though interesting just doesn’t have that spark. Al Gore (who I still believe was robbed), whose ideas on the environment, and global warming I like – was leaden.

Hmmmm. So I started reading up on Senator Obama. Interested I read on. More “hmm's” His mom was an anthropologist. So am I. He has experience living in many world communities. So do I. His grandparents were from Kansas and white. So was my grandmother. She had the courage to marry the man she loved, who happened to be black and run off in 1915 to get married to him, since interracial marriage was illegal back then. His mom’s parents didn’t reject him, like my grandmothers family did to her, and my dad. “Curiouser and curiouser!” cried I (like Alice) and I read on. He had a half Asian sister. He speaks more than one language. He has a wife who is as intelligent as he is who hails from the part of Chicago where my dad was born, and she grew up in a working class household just like my dad’s.

I continued to look at his resume; law school and teaching constitutional law; even better. I’m a beneficiary of a Supreme Court that is NOT the one currently constituted by Bush. Obama’s political experience was working in State government. Great. Positions on women’s issues - top scores; he passed my feminist test. Positions on the war – impeccable. He spoke out against it.

But where in the heck was this guy going to get the kind of money it takes to even approach getting a nomination? Well, that question got answered; from the people, not just from fat cat contributors. I was awed by the use of modern internet technology employed by his campaign; the democratization of funding. I pushed a button and sent money.

While all this was going on in my head, friends of mine, women my age or near to it, long time vets of both Civil Rights and the Women’s movement began to raise the Hillary question. Wasn’t I going to automatically vote for her? If so why not, and there was a subtext of losing my feminist hang-out card if I didn’t follow the party line. But, they forgot, I wasn’t in their party.

But to be fair to my dear friends, even though I believe they are wrong-headed, I went back and revisited Hillary’s resume. Now last time I looked at a politician’s vita, being First Lady of the US, or wife of a Governor was not electoral experience. She had it all on her resume, in her press releases, appropriating those years in State House and White House. Then I looked at her contributors – those whose names and affiliations I could find. Then I looked at a history of politics she’s been engaged in with her husband, and past financial dealings that didn’t sit right with me. I dug my feet in and resisted my friends. I DO want a woman in the White House one day. But it was quite clear that Hillary wasn’t the one and could never be the one. And yes, attacks on her for being assertive are sexist. But a growing group of feminists were beginning to also open up and question her positions, and her vita. I signed on to their petition.

I then began to listen more closely to the pundits and commentators, and pronouncements from the Hillary camp. I was appalled. There were lots of automatic assumptions. I heard remarks that would curl my already curly hair even tighter. “Latinos hate Blacks” so Hillary automatically gets the Latino vote. Have any of these people actually explored the rich cultural diversity of Spanish speaking US citizens? Apparently not. Last time I looked my husband was what he calls “Afro-Boriqua” (Black Puerto Rican).

Then there were the “Hillary has labor tied up” pronouncements. Hmmm… don’t think so. Her positions on NAFTA are on the record no matter how hard she tries to squirm out of them.

Okay, health care reform. I am not happy with the programs of either candidate, I don’t think they go far enough, and I won’t quibble about the differences. But Hillary had a shot at shepherding a health care bill through Congress and blew it. Both of their plans are better than what we have now. Someone is going to have to take a hard look at the role of insurance companies and at least I know Obama isn’t funded by them. I know what poor health care looks like and its impact on children and families, from long years of community work and activism around health issues. I was there when we tested every child in East Harlem for lead poisoning. I sat-in in the takeover of Lincoln Hospital in the Bronx, where rats regularly ran across operating tables. I worked on an infant mortality project, not in the third world but right here in the US and the rates are higher in some neighborhoods than in parts of the 3rd world. I have done AIDS work since the beginning when it was something called Grid. I have seen the impact of broken policies called the “war on drugs” but which should be called a war on poor folks, that penalizes small time addicts, fills the prisons (the new factories of upstate NY), and does nothing to stem the epidemic.
And if you think the situation here in the States is bad, you should take a first hand look at the situation in Puerto Rico. My husband will confirm that after every field trip to Puerto Rico, where I spent time in the caserios (public housing projects) and poor neighborhoods like La Colectora and La Perla, I had nightmares for weeks. The United States only interest in Puerto Rico is to maintain its enormous number of military facilities there. The welfare of its peoples, American Citizens who don’t have the right to vote for the President, well, lets just say they are ignored.
I know what it is like to be afraid of losing health insurance. I am only teaching part time today because I need health coverage. If not for that I’d be retired. And I’m one of the lucky ones because I have a job that provides adequate coverage, thanks to my union. Millions of my fellow citizens do not.

Recently I been hearing that “the press is biased against Senator Clinton, because of sexism”. But when I do a media analysis (I do have a degree in Media Studies and a background in broadcasting), I find that the mainstream press has bought her entire resume hook line and sinker. Where are the tough questions asked of her? I swear I can’t find them. I carefully watched the debate in Texas, and have as yet to read in any major news outlet the fact that the “moderators” allowed her to ride over their questions, to interrupt, to avoid answering questions and to go on and on about HER health care plan. This is then characterized as an Obama Hillary fight. Not a failure of debate moderation. When the cakewalk didn’t happen, when each firewall fell, state after state, she has been allowed to bluster on, and gets a huge amount of free airtime each time her campaign decides to take yet another tack (read attack) on Senator Obama and his supporters. And the press dutifully reports her every smear. I’m still shaking my head over the non-story of “plagiarism” which to date gets thousands of hits on google, and got endless hours of print and television coverage.

Are some comments made about Senator Clinton sexist? Yes. Does she merit them? No. Are some comments made about and to Senator Obama racist? Yes. Does he merit them? No. But the arguments some of my friends make about the relative gravity of sexist remarks over racist ones, given the history of this country don’t pan out. The same argument was used during the history of the women’s suffrage movement when Susan B Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton decided to scrap the struggles of newly freed slaves to woo Southern white females into the movement, women who refused to sit in meetings with black women. Who held fast to principle was Lucy Stone. If you ask me what kind of feminist I am – I grin and reply, I’m a “Stoner”.

The quality of a candidate’s courage and wisdom is to rise above these bone-headed vestigial and antediluvian attacks which are rooted in America’s historic past and unpleasantly part of our present. A true feminist would opt for a different style and practice. I went through struggles in the women’s movement critiquing a particular brand of “feminism” that said women of color need not apply. I resented that then and still resent it, and struggle against it to this day. The race baiting that Senator Clinton allowed in her campaign, using her husband, and others, as surrogates is unacceptable. When have you heard Senator Obama state that women aren’t prepared to be President? Yes, he has disagreed with her positions, and her nasty aspersions, but he has maintained a calm that is almost unnatural. But I believe he knows too well that a black man in America cannot go on the attack, even verbally against a white woman. Some folks still hang nooses in trees in this country. Hillary benefits from this “white female gender privilege”. And we have recently seen that a black woman in America can’t even be her own person. I guess Michelle Obama is supposed to do an imitation of Cindy McCain in blackface, or morph into Laura Bush, or Roselyn Carter.

It is not anti-feminist for me to bring up Bill Clinton. Ms Clinton has opted to rely upon the political capital of her husband. How not feminist, but how expedient. Herein lies one of the more fatal flaws in her candidacy. Are we to have co—presidents? If Hillary had ditched Bill, or locked him up in the Harlem State office building, run her campaign on her own record as a junior Senator, not appropriating her husbands legacy as her own – she’d be more believable, and supportable. But I’m not gonna cotton to some kind of knee jerk response to her so-called feminism just because of her gender. The same way I don’t allow socially constructed racial categories, or gender to determine how I view male candidates. If I did that I’d be a slavish admirer of Condy Rice and Clarence Thomas. I shudder the thought. I resent very strongly the suggestion that because I am a black woman in America that my automatic choice is to select a black candidate, over a white, latino, asian or candidate of any ethnicity, socially constructed race or religion.
And that when it is expedient my gender becomes an issue and I am told I have to choose. Says who? Do I need to remind you that feminists can be male as well? Do I expect a woman running for office to become a man in a pant-suit? Hell No. Do I expect a man who happens to be black to run for President to only speak to black Americans? Hell No again.

Who has actually been able to address a broader spectrum of the jambalaya that is the American populace? At this point it is Senator Barak Obama, and only Obama.

Is he perfect? No. Can he fix everything wrong with this country? Hell no – Presidents rarely fix much (though they can do a lot of damage – see Bush). But they set a tone.
Right now, given the rising global tide of hatred of America and Americans we are in dire need of a President who can restore some type of global respect for us as a nation. Us means all of us – no matter “race”, gender or ethnicity or political party.

Do I see Hillary Clinton as this leader? No! Do any Republican candidates fit the picture? No! Bomb-bomb Iran McCain, or religious right conservative Huckabee, will dig us into a deeper muck than the one we are currently mired in.

My final thoughts about all of this are about words. The power of words. What the Yoruba of Nigeria call the “ashé of the tongue”. Words echo to us down through the corridors of time and are what separate us from our primate cousins. As a young child I was moved by the then banned Paul Robson. I was inspired to join VISTA (the domestic peace corps) because of words spoken by JFK. I was given a dream to hold onto by Martin Luther King. I was given mottoes to live by, from the words of Fannie Lou Hamer, Sojourner Truth and Lucy Stone.

How dare Senator Clinton, and others question that words matter? Words and song were sometimes the only aid and solace to my ancestors. The sarcastic mockery of Ms Clinton waving her arms in the air, snidely speaking of celestial choirs as if that is somehow a bad thing to be compared to. Anyone who has ever listened to a choir singing Handel, or a Bach Cantata, anyone who has never felt the power of a hymn like Amazing Grace, anyone who has changed their life, found hope, because of something they read, or heard, or sang, knows that words move our hearts to action. Our constitution was based on a powerful oral traditions – words called Gayanashagowa (the Great Law of Peace) of the Iroquois Confederacy.

I must remind her gently that the word is a powerful tool and her very words may come back to haunt her one day. History is being written here. Does Ms Clinton in her relentless attack think that somehow her words will just disappear when the campaign is over, no matter who is victorious and the real battle is begun for the Presidency?

No matter who “wins” the primary, she has been the candidate who is setting up a loss for the Democratic Party. Not Senator Obama. But I doubt that she even cares. And that is a very sad thing. I wish you well Senator Clinton, but you will never again in life get my vote. Not even if you win the nomination. That’s how your words have affected me. If Senator Obama has this primary stolen from him I will go back to my roots and work to organize a third party, that listens to the words of the people. And I will work tirelessly to see that you are not the representative of my state in the future.

You have my word on that.

He speaks a second language like Bush speaks Spanish.

Do we have to go down this road again?

Denise, I'm really glad it was only a glitch and that you didn't lose this lengthy post!

Thanks for sharing your background and thinking process on this, and for your heartfelt expression of some of the important things at stake in this race. It was a pleasure to read and I especially appreciated your beautifully worded closing theme advocating for the power of... words. :-)

Sincere thanks...

Gary

Another masterpiece post!
Your delightfully elegant prose are always enlightening and uplifting.
I look forward to more.

With heartfelt thanks,
Remy

Look at all these people 'awed' by your post. Wow. In reality, it was just all about YOU. Which is what it is for most people. So be it. But mostly it's a large degree naive and narrow, not to mention boring - to be specific: all you said was about YOU and YOUR relationship to the issues. There was nothing objective as to the validity of those issues.

1. As a young child I was moved by
2. I have never been much of a participant in the two party politics
3. I have openly spent most of my life wishing
4. I live upstate New York these days
5. Though my grandfather was a solid Republican 6. I did not come of age in the era when Democrat was necessarily equated to Dixiecrat,
7. My next door neighbor up here was a renter,
8. I felt angry and violated. I got another sign
9. I resolved to cast my ballot for Ms. Clinton.
10. I was uneasy about her, specifically because I didn’t care for Bill Clinton.
11. I was uneasy about her because I am a feminist.
12. I have long dreamed of a day
13. I remember Shirley Chisholm’s first run
14. I was strongly influenced by Lucy Stone, and Sojourner Truth.
15. But Hillary Clinton made me uneasy.
16. I was working at the time with Puerto Rican women who were victims of spousal abuse, spousal infidelities,
17. did I really think I could see Hillary as a role model for any of them? Actually no.
18. I tried to ease my fears about the Clintons and their carpet bagging
19. I left a former husband for his adultery.
20. I am different from my mom’s generations
21. I’d rather live alone than live with a man who strays.
22. So, I swallowed my uneasiness and voted for Hillary.
23. I worked at the World Trade Center,
24. I was then swept up in the backlash upstate here against my husband
25. My last hope went down the drain when I saw Colin Powell
26. I realized that her vote had been influenced by her future plans.
27. I began to work with others opposed
28. I grew more and more uneasy at the level of
29. I was caught up in the horror
30. I wept.
31. I waited to see what the future would bring.
32. I hosted an evacuee for 3 months in my home,
33. I began to look at him with interest.
34. I began to examine him closely.
35. And so I looked harder.
36. But I was never a part of that group anyway
37. I have never supported Jesse Jackson
38. I found Obama more so.
39. I’ve lived my life having the opportunity to hear great communicators.
40. I lived in DC long enough to figure out how
41. I was looking for someone who could actually mobilize Americans – you know, “we”
42. So I started reading up on Senator Obama.
43. His mom was an anthropologist. So am I. He has experience living in many world communities. So do I. His grandparents were from Kansas and white. So was my grandmother.
44. “Curiouser and curiouser!” cried I
45. who hails from the part of Chicago where my dad was born,
46. and she grew up in a working class household just like my dad’s.
47. I continued to look at his resume; law school and teaching constitutional law; even better.
48. I was awed by the use of modern internet technology
49. I wasn’t in their party.
50. I dug my feet in and resisted my friends.
51. I then began to listen more closely to the pundits and commentators, and pronouncements from the Hillary camp.
52. I was there when we tested every child in East Harlem for lead poisoning.
53. I sat-in in the takeover of Lincoln Hospital in the Bronx,
54. I worked on an infant mortality project,
55. I have done AIDS work since the beginning
56. I know what it is like to be afraid of losing health insurance.
57. I am only teaching part time today
58. I find that the mainstream press has bought her entire resume hook line and sinker. [HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA - Pardon, I just had to laugh at that one]
59. Where are the tough questions asked of her? [HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH - oh, sorry again]
60. I swear I can’t find them.
61. I’m still shaking my head over the non-story

Oh, well, enough. The point is made, I think. It's all about YOU. And whatever reason you think you are supporting Obama for, it's rubbish, conjured in your own head.

But I love this part:

"It is not anti-feminist for me to bring up Bill Clinton."

No, but it's a ridiculous argument, and with your previous (vehement) remarks, shows you to be one of those you resent Hillary for bearing with Bill and not divorcing his ass immediately. That’s called ‘projecting’.

"Are we to have co—presidents?"

Yeah, that would be terrible to have a guy who consistently had eight of the finest economic years in the country as an advisor.

"I resent very strongly the suggestion that because I am a black woman in America that my automatic choice is to select a black candidate"

I will take you, specifically, at your word. But the evidence is very clear that most of the black community went in droves to Obama because he's black – it’s not a nice thing to see the black community as racist and so easily led into identity politics, but there you are. It is anathema for them to say so, but any realist sees it as clear as a bus running over them.

"Who has actually been able to address a broader spectrum of the jambalaya that is the American populace?"

Do you mean, 'who has been as efficacious as blabbing to Americans of what they are so desperate to hear?' Well, you're right, nobody but Obama.

Oh, god, I thought this was over . . .

62. My final thoughts about all of this are about words.
63. I was moved by the then banned Paul Robson.
64. I was inspired to join VISTA (the domestic peace corps) because of words spoken by JFK.
65. I was given a dream to hold onto by Martin Luther King.
66. I was given mottoes to live by, from the words of Fannie Lou Hamer, Sojourner Truth and Lucy Stone.
67. Words and song were sometimes the only aid and solace to my ancestors.

"The sarcastic mockery of Ms Clinton waving her arms in the air, snidely speaking of celestial choirs as if that is somehow a bad thing to be compared to."

Mockery is what charlatans deserve.

"Anyone who has ever listened to a choir singing Handel, or a Bach Cantata, anyone who has never felt the power of a hymn like Amazing Grace,"

Really, I didn't hear that from Obama. Didn't know he had the voice for it.

"I must remind her gently that the word is a powerful tool and her very words may come back to haunt her one day."

Oh, my dear, I'll let you guess whose words are going to come back and haunt him ("bridge the divide", "divisiveness", "reach to the aisle", "unify", "waiting for us", etc etc ad nauseum), and it isn't Hillary.

"No matter who “wins” the primary, she has been the candidate who is setting up a loss for the Democratic Party."

Au contraire, I rather think that McCain has a very good chance of killing Obama in the fall. Especially after they Swift-boat him to oblivion. Naiveté never won elections.

"But I doubt that she even cares. And that is a very sad thing."

And now you're a mind-reader! Wow.

"I wish you well Senator Clinton,"

No you don't. Quit lying.

"I will never vote for you. Not even if you win the nomination. That’s how your words have affected me."

I guess that's how well you think of her. And your party. And your country.

"I will go back to my roots and work to organize a third party,"

We already have one. It's called the Green Party. Why don't you read the platform; and quit your unrelenting focus on yourself, and do something worthwhile for the future instead of writing mind-numbingly dull pieces on yourself in the cause of a charismatic bible-thumper.

"You have my word on that."

Oh, I sorta doubt that. Your word only counts if it's about you, with a capital Y. You haven’t a shred of objectivity, nor analytical balance, nor logical cogency vis-à-vis issues, much less reality.

Yes, thank you Denise for the beautiful & sincere post.

Too often Obama supporters are portrayed as light-headed, cult worshippers following their Messiah. Just because some of us have felt inspired and engaged by Obama we therefore know nothing of policy and/or reality and are just a bunch of starry-eyed kids. I therefore love hearing about folks (particularly Boomers who, as you mentioned, are not up to their ears in Myspace/Facebook and Obama-saturated youth culture) who have weighed options, deliberated, and decisively concluded that Obama is in their better interest.

Especially in the case of women who feel compelled by the feminist sisterhood to vote for Clinton, I can imagine it to be a sort of peer-pressure situation, just as Obama support is pretty much expected for those 30 & under. Like you, my support of him is based on reading (his books were what did it for me, particularly "Dreams From My Father") and getting a sense of where he's coming from and how he would lead.

Thank you for expressing how you came to your conclusion, it was touching and vivid (rats running across the op-table will probably give ME nightmares now!) I can only hope that a significant number of women come to the same realization that feminism does not always come in a female package. Good point :)

Probably the best thing I've read so far on the Clinton-Obama divide. Well-written, insightful and poignant.

There's one thing you mentioned that I'd like to touch on. You said: "But I believe he knows too well that a black man in America cannot go on the attack, even verbally against a white woman. Some folks still hang nooses in trees in this country."

You're the first person that I've come across to point this out so plainly. I believe that what you've said is true. Though this is truly sad, perhaps this has helped him harden his discipline when it comes to avoiding negative attacks and honing his message. In any case, it is heartening to see him come so far.

Thanks for sharing this.

Denise, thank you for a beautifully written post!

I almost don't even want to respond to miki, but feel I have to.

These are BLOGS. They are the personal feelings of those who write them. Of course this blog is about the author, what did you expect clicking on the link?

I suggest if you don't want to read personal accounts, then don't read blogs.

OK, now that's done:

Great work Denise! Don't let the trolls get you down.

get used to the hope and high expectations I mean.

Denise-

This is a lovely essay. If everyone sat down and wrote similarly about the reasons they gravitate toward one candidate or another, our democratic process would be infinitely more meaningful. Thank you.

Miki,

Instead of posting a long litany of disjointed diatribe, why don't you post your own diary with a cohesive description of how you came to your conclusions? Maybe you can teach us all how to remove our subjective impressions from the calculus we use to make our decisions. I'd love to read it.

Thank you Denise for posting your "How I came to Barack" moment. If only all the other Obama girls and fanboys would do the same. Oh wait...that's what they do when they're not busy alienating what should be natural political allies.

Enjoy the ride to your 2nd place finish in November.

"I didn't agree with all her opinions, especially the stuff about how if Hillary stayed with Bill she was setting a bad example for abused women. I thought that was ridiculous and small-minded. But like I responded to Miki above, this is HER OPINION!""

I don't understand this. Lots of people have opinions and some of them are sexist, such as this one dealing with the marital decisions made by HRC. We don't accept racist opinions on the left as "just someone's opinion", I hope. Why does this person get a pass so to speak because she has an opinion? Why cannot we call her on her sexism and reject her credibility? What's wrong with that? Seems to me that that's the correct thing to do.

So for you this in part is about the war. So which do you think advanced the war cause more: Hillary's vote or Obama's enthusiastic assistance to Joe Lieberman in the primary?

"Obama rallies state Democrats, throws support behind Lieberman
By Stephanie Reitz, Associated Press Writer | March 31, 2006
HARTFORD, Conn. --U.S. Sen. Barack Obama rallied Connecticut Democrats at their annual dinner Thursday night, throwing his support behind mentor and Senate colleague Joe Lieberman.
Obama, an Illinois Democrat who is considered a rising star in the party, was the keynote speaker at the annual Jefferson Jackson Bailey Dinner.
Lieberman, Connecticut's junior senator, is under fire from some liberal Democrats for his support of the Iraq War. He was key in booking Obama, who routinely receives more than 200 speaking invitations each week.
Some at Thursday's dinner said that while they were pleased with Lieberman's success in bringing Obama to Connecticut, they still consider Lieberman uncomfortably tolerant of the Bush administration.
Obama wasted little time getting to that point, calling it the "elephant in the room" but praising Lieberman's intellect, character and qualifications.
"The fact of the matter is, I know some in the party have differences with Joe. I'm going to go ahead and say it," Obama told the 1,700-plus party members who gathered in a ballroom at the Connecticut Convention Center for the $175-per-head fundraiser.
"I am absolutely certain Connecticut is going to have the good sense to send Joe Lieberman back to the U.S. Senate so he can continue to serve on our behalf," he said."

Obama in Audacity was extremely dismissive of his wife's 'big plans'. Contrast this is Bill's support of his wife's visions for the country.

Co-President? Get real. Hillary was a senior advisor to Bill when he was president but he had the final decision. If Hillary is President Bill will be a senior advisor but she will have the final word.

By the way, who did you vote for for President in 2000 and 2004? Nader?

Denise,
In the same way you refer to Obama, your post was not perfect but sure as hell was inspiring. I think those disagreeing with you fail to concede any of your finer points.

A few people have criticized your support of Clinton to begin with, but I think the criticism is unwarranted considering you plainly state, " I wasn’t thinking clearly about my vote, but I resolved to cast my ballot for Ms. Clinton." Perhaps the title of your blog might be misleading in some sense that you may have implied that your support of Senator Clinton was more than a perfunctory "pull of the lever," influenced by the theft of your lawn signs. But again, this claim to her support was well-mitigated by your self-reported uneasiness about Senator Clinton.

I must respectfully disagree with you regarding your assertions made about Bill Clinton's infidelities and the Senator's response to them. For one, I think that the fact we all know and openly talk about Bill's infidelity is on par with observing and commenting on the Britney Spears meltdown. The republicans used tax-payer money to frankly find out who was f*cking who in the White House and was a complete waste of the American public's time. Secondly, I don't believe that Clinton needed to "influence" Lewinsky to fellate him. Lewinsky certainly could have seduced Clinton herself and your reasoning almost implies that women would simply prefer to go about their business rather than perhaps being equally culpable in this game of sexuality and power. For goodness sake, she kept the dress with the stain and everything like it was some kind of trophy!

That aside, I have to side with Bev on the position that attacking Hillary's position as a feminist because that she stayed with her husband through his philandering is also unfair. I am not a feminist scholar, but I recall the feminist movement being about empowering women to choose and make decisions for themselves. I would not take Hillary's decision to remain with Bill lightly and we really do not no much about their private lives. We do not know the kind of bond that they share and to compare their marriage to that of an abusive relationship involving HIV and violence is way over the top. I to applaude you, however, in revealing your personal bias in this situation. This is admirable and unfortunately allowed others to attack you on this bias as if they exposed something incredibly subtle, even DaVinci Code-esque, while in actuality commenting on your obviously stated beliefs.

"You are voting for Obama, because you are black." As another human being from a mixed background that includes African American whilst also being a substantive Obama supporter, I found this comment directed at you to be beyond insulting. We'll leave that one alone and Bev will have to live with herself for posting that one.

I think Cville Dem's reading into your support for Obama as being "more emotional than anything else" is also a bit of an exaggeration. I agree with you that the frequent criticism directed at Obama's lack of experience clearly fails to take into account his time as a state-level elected offical and a community organizer. He has spent more time in an OFFICIAL capacity than Senator Clinton and therefore can be open to more scrutiny than Clinton who has exercised her perceived option to cherry-pick the progress made under her husband's years as a governor and president. You make no attempts to hide your emotional support of Obama, but you have demonstrated at least in my eyes that he has won over both you "heart and mind," if I can plagiarize a republican talking point.

And Bev, if you think that a black man cannot attack a white woman without some severe consequences related to latent tension in our social consciousness, you are living on another planet. Have you ever seen what happens when a black man and his white girlfriend get into a heated and public argument!? The situation is so often misinterpreted with people frequently rushing to the woman's aid. I'm sure I could back this up with a publication or even create my own social psychology experiment with confederates, but some things are so obvious if you merely stop and observe life.

That is not to say that the majority of people are racists or that even it is the way people conduct themselves around you, but it is more than naive to think that this does not occur. Having encountered racism (which I believe to be continuum from that can span from uneasiness to outright hatred) first-hand and in many different areas I sympathisize for Obama's situation. I've changed many racist perspectives in my young life especially on that lower end of the spectrum and by doing that one must resist the temptation to become what the racists want you to become.

I could probably continue to agree and contrast with you on several other points from your blog, but I think I hit the points that were most relevant to me and I don't want to give anyone eyestrain. In closing, I also agree with Cville Dem that you are an uppity woman. Keep up the good work!
~ 'Yam

This is a poorly titled post since Clinton never had your support. Voting for someone out of pique with the local police and bad faith Republicans who steal signs is not support. I actually find it offensive that you lead with such a misleading title - claiming credibility as a former support that you have no right to claim.

I wonder why it is that people have to demonize Clinton in order to support Obama? Could it be because her health care plan, economics and educatino policies and so on down the line are more progressive. So...is it because you know you are voting for the more conservative candidate that you have to falsify Clinton and demonize her? Is that how you get past the cognitive dissonance of supporting the most conservative candidate?

I am just wondering because I don't see a similar need on the part of Clinton supporters. Sure, there are nut cases like Taylor Marsh who think Obama is as bad as lead paint, but generally speaking I don't perceive the need to demonize Obama.

Yes, mika's response to your post was a bit over the top, but then your post was overwhelmingly self-serving and self-righteous, wasn't it? you can sit in judgment on her marriage and how feminist she is. Listen, don't call yourself a feminist. Real feminists know that feminism about having choices, not having Denise's choices shoved down your throat.

I could spend as many hours telling you how offensive your post is as you spent writing it, but I will pass. LEt me just point our your worst hypocrisy though. You know her motives for her votes (were you born with esp?), though anyone ascribing a motive to your vote is a racist. I see, only you get to sit in judgment.

Your been everywhere, done everything, blah-blah-blah, expert in all things hyperbole is so over-the-top that it almost demands a finger in your face response. I appreciate the effort you put into this, next time, though, make it an HONEST effort.

Hi Cville Dem,
To answer your question,I was not working as a teacher when 9/11 happened. I was working as an applied anthropologist/ethnographer for NDRI whose offices were located in the WTC. A simple search of Medline or any database of peer-reviewed Journal articles, will confirm both my identity and the place my work was published from at that time.

The WTC experience, which was traumatizing, pushed me to stop commuting and look for work in the area, which I did.

BevD wrote:
"She claims she's a feminist and the Black Panthers were without a doubt one of the most misogynistic, sexist organizations that operated at the time. This author isn't a feminist. Her entire post is based on lies from her first claim to her last."

Please refer to Dear Sisters- Dispatches from the Women's Liberation Movement, by Rosalyn Baxandall and Linda Gorden, eds.
pages - 38-40. Position Paper on Women - Young Lords Party.

Or use this link.
http://palante.org/Women.htm

Some of us - as women of color are quite clear that we have had to work hard within our various movements, to challenge machismo, male chauvanism, and sexual fascism. As the first woman on the Central Committee of the YLP, and as founder of the women's caucus of the party I drafted and worked with my sisters to institute change in both the Party Program and Platform and its practice.

Yes - I was also a Panther, and waged internal struggle there, and worked with my sisters in WARN - Women of All Red Nations, part of AIM.

I would not characterize any of the movements at the time as the most mysogenistic etc etc - were you there?

As a feminist of color my pov probably differs from yours. Our struggles have been in our communities - which include men, women and children. Our responsibility as a feminists has been and is to both work with, and educate our brothers and struggle with them as well. This has not been an easy path - but it for us the option we have taken to address the multitude of issues we as as communites of color have to face.

This has been our stance and will continue to be our stance. The path you have chosen is obviously a different one than mine. I don't walk in your shoes - but you don't walk in mine either.

Feminists for Peace and Barak Obama

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/NYfeministsforpeace/

Hey, Denise, I just now saw your nice comment at my place and just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to the new blog.

Uh oh. Wifie is ready to leave the house. Gotta run. Catcha later.

Denise,

Thank you for sharing your personal story. My story has many points similar to yours, but I am of the Joshua Generation.

For the feminists,

See, I was born one... Feminism is meant to be fairness: Equal pay for equal work, fair opportunity, best person for the job without considering gender. Feminism was never meant to be: Vote for me, hire me, or don't fire me based soley on my reproductive organs. Should we elect the wrong woman just because she is a woman, we'll never have another woman or democrat in the White House in my lifetime.

Yes we are!
Melodi