Screw Charm
I’ve watched the Lady MacHillary drama unfold with a mixture of anger and pain. Anger at her for all she is doing to hurt the Democratic party and to hurt our chances of electing an extraordinary president in Barack Obama. Pain because, like her, I was married to a charming man up until 12 years ago – and I felt first-hand how that can eat into your soul.
I’m not talking about just your average nice guy, but that glad-hander sort who can work a room like nobody’s business, making each person he talks to feel like he showed up that night especially for him/her. The kind of guy who, as a friend of mine puts it, sucks all the air out of the room. Leaving none for the spouse.
When you’re hitched to a charmer like this, though in your own right you might once have been known as a fun-loving spirit, you may over time become by default the un-fun person -- the sober, strained adult in the scenario. Because somebody has to make all the arrangements for the party and corral the kids and wipe up the ashtray the charmer just overturned on the white sofa while he was acting out that side-splitting story.
You become accustomed to hearing people tell you enthusiastically as they leave the party, “Your husband is such a great guy, such a hoot!” When you kinda hoped they’d say “It was a pleasure to meet you.”
And over time, you get resentful of charm. Just to keep on your feet, you gradually change your belief system. Your internal mantra becomes that being the hard-working, wonky “adult,” which is the person you’ve become, is the more – well, the more adult way to be.
And if you discover that your spouse has been charming his way into the beds of various (undoubtedly more fun and younger) fillies than yourself and you decide to stick with him, then your resentment grows closer to hate.
And that hate spreads beyond the one charmer you’re married to … it attaches to all other charmers out there. Even if they are the sort of men who, while being socially charming, will also help corral the kids and clear the dishes, and will stay faithful to their wives.
And if you decide to run for president and your main competitors turn out to be two guys named John and Barack -- cute, personable, can work a room like nobody’s business -- hmmm, you put your head down and repeat your personal mantra daily: “They are charming. Being adult is better; I am the adult; this time, it is the adult’s turn to win.”
And all those years of hurt and anger and resentment give you extraordinary internal fuel to do whatever, whatever, whatever it takes to win the nomination – because hell hath no fury like a woman charmed.
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Having been there and done that...
You forgot that pesky little choice thing - to stay w/ the 'charming one' as it suited her politically - therein lies the Faustian bargain.
Well-educated, accomplished in her own right - and toward the last of the Billabacles w/ a no-longer-small child - so perfectly capable of hanging her own shingle.
Short of being physically captive - no one takes your soul unless you're willing to give it away.
March 13, 2008 1:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
Wow! Thanks for sharing your very personal perspective. You may have a very special ability to empathize with Hillary.
Of course, we can't know what's in Hillary's soul, but this seems plausible to me.
I've NEVER liked Bill Clinton, and always had the feeling that he has benefitted from their marriage more than she has. And I've also noticed that Hillary seems to be at her best when she's not over-shadowed by Bill or having to play the role of Mrs. Bill Clinton. That's one of the reasons why I see her career and this campaign as tragic. If she'd been less encumbered by Bill's baggage, and more comfortable in her own skin, I think things would have turned out much, much better for her.
March 13, 2008 2:15 AM | Reply | Permalink
I think there's probably some truth to what you're saying, but the facts being what they are it's not incumbent upon us to put up with her just because she had a bad time with Bill.
March 13, 2008 2:23 AM | Reply | Permalink
Yeah, you're right--empathizing with her doesn't obligate us to put up with her behavior.
I just find it fascinating to hear a first-person account of what could so easily be Hillary's personal story. The way "female" tells it makes it easy to see and feel the progression from fun-loving to left-out/hurt to disillusioned to resentful to betrayed. And then hatred.
It's not too late for her to learn from this, leave Bill's sorry ass, and make a life and career in her own right, done her own way. I hope she does it.
I love stories about personal redemption!
March 13, 2008 3:13 AM | Reply | Permalink
C'mon, at this rate, HRC can't make a career in her own right! This is not to say she can't re-invent herself.
If you want to read a story of redemption, go to THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MALCOLM X which is probably one of the most American of books every published. It is amazing in every way and makes you realize that Malcolm X grew tremendously in his life only to be taken away at his epiphany. Very sad in that respect.
March 13, 2008 3:51 AM | Reply | Permalink
I'd have to agree with you on how it might have been far different for Hillary if she had done a better job of separating her identity from Bill's. She kinda damns herself with honest Feminists every time she resorts to her 'experience' as First Lady since most feminists won't really buy the idea of an independent woman's success as she grasps at what are in reality, rather tangled and shredded coattails.
I have little doubt that had Hillary been building her own political resume' over all these years - which would have implied actually leaving Bill a long long time ago - her reception would have been better now. But the ugly side of the Clinton's last blow through town has saddled her. That however, does not excuse her for not learning from the ill will and queasiness they ensconced their public image with back then either.
What she has been doing since late January has been nothing short of treacherous.
March 13, 2008 2:42 AM | Reply | Permalink
Or.... maybe the Clintons represent a marriage based on political convenience since the start (which I am finding more and more plausible) and there wasn't much traditional love there to begin with.
I truly believe that the Clintons are a political couple the likes of such have never been seen in US politics:
FDR/Eleanor? Not really, as Eleanor grew into her role.
The Doles? Not really as it was clear who was the dominant member.
In many respects Bill and Hillary are more like Lennon/McCartney than John & Yoko or Paul & Linda. The Clintons are a genuine joining of powerful ambition rather than a typical loving couple.
March 13, 2008 3:45 AM | Reply | Permalink
...sort of an insult to the genius that was Lennon/McCarthy, imho.
March 13, 2008 9:29 AM | Reply | Permalink
Ooopsy-daisy! Lennon/McCartney.
March 13, 2008 12:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
While I can relate (though a male) to the situations referred to in female's blog, I think it is past time for the American public to try hard to weed out these folks with heavy mental and emotional baggage from successful candidacy for high public office.
I am not naive enough to think that would be an easy effort.....but at least we can refrain from further empowering the more obvious cases.........two people with obvious (and one must say, justified)long-term serious resentments, : Hillary's mercurial public (and policy) persona reflects at least the conditions outlined by Female and probably more.
To expect a person to emerge from five years in brutal captivity which included physical and mental torture and two years in solitary confinement....to expect that person to emerge from such an ordeal mentally and emotionally unscathed is, at best, unrealistic. Senator McCain has exhibited some behaviors which could definitely be at least partially attributable to that five years: his "f*** y**"s to fellow Senators in very un-private venues; his 180 degree changes of position on important matters of policy, etc.
Whoever sits down in the oval office in Jan 09 will face a mountain of problems, each in itself potentially overwhelming and certainly challenging to mind and psyche........a most critical point in this nation's history and for the possibility of a future. To the best of OUR ability, we must place someone in that chair who is calm, reflective, and ,to the greatest extent possible, free from emotional and/or mental impairments which will impinge upon his decisions.
The last eight years and the recent political suicide (what else can you call it?) of the Governor of New York lend support to the idea that perhaps we should all be grateful that things aren't worse than they are. Maybe, to an extent, we have dodged a bullet. Let US do a better job this time around.
March 13, 2008 8:30 AM | Reply | Permalink