WHEN HILLARY IS THE NOM
10) All the 529s will disband. Swift Boat Veterans will say, "We've looked and looked, but there's nothing there!"
9) Fox News will change its official slogan to WE REPORT…ON HOW AWESOME HILLARY IS.
8) She will reach out her hand to John McCain and say, "Oh, John, you have so much experience!" And John will say, "Oh, Hillary, you have so much experience." And Hillary will say, "Oh, John, you are ready to answer the phone at 3am!" And John will say, "Oh, Hillary, you can answer the phone at FOUR am!" And Hillary will say, "You're right, John, I can."
7) In Bosnia, the eight-year-old-girl will have revealed herself to be a sniper, after all.
6) The African-Americans, the youth vote, anyone who has ever had a latte, the red states, the caucus states will all say, "Oh, Hillary you scamp! We know you didn't mean those things you said about us. We are recognize you needed to marginalize us for the health of your campaign, and we understand you were just trying to save America from the black guy. Have our votes!"
5) Al Qaeda will disband in fear because Hillary is not afraid of phone-answering. They will don flag pins and hold their hand over their hearts during the national anthem and advocate a flag burning amendment and change all their middle names from 'Hussein' (because it’s a well known fact that every terrorist has the middle name 'Hussein') to 'America!'
4) The 47% of the people who disapproved of her before the nomination process will say, "I see now that my dislike for Hillary was a result of my own personal failings," Liberals will praise how liberal she is, conservatives will see she is truly a conservative after all, and the working man will think, "The only one who can understand me is a Wellesley girl from Connecticut."
3) Bill Richardson will say, "Holy crap! I am Judas!"
2) All the wrongs ever done to womankind will be righted. Every woman above the age of 50 will get a footrub, and every man will turn to his wife and say, "Oh, honey, I'll watch the kids tonight. You rest."
1) Karl Rove will have a religious conversion and devote himself to saving puppies and orphans and digging old soda cans out of people's garbages for recycling. And he'll like it.
This is supposed to be, "When Hillary is the nominee," but the post suddenly POSTED without any action on my part.
Can we fix the software, please?
March 28, 2008 9:46 PM | Reply | Permalink
Cool, Karl Rove will save puppies, not eat them for breakfast!
March 28, 2008 9:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
You make such a compelling case, you almost have me wishing that Obama didn't have the nomination locked up as tightly as he does.
You almost have me wishing that Hillary had some small chance of catching up in the pledged delegate count.
You almost have me wishing that the super-delegates could really be stupid enough to buy the "Obama lost California to Hillary, therefore he'll lose California to McCain" arguments. Or arguments along the lines of "Hillary has a majority of the popular votes among states that hold primaries and have at least one 'e' in their name."
You almost have me wishing that Hillary didn't have huge fundraising problems compared to Obama.
You almost have me wishing that Hillary hadn't gotten caught lying about Bosnia. And all the other things, too.
Almost. But not quite.
March 28, 2008 10:13 PM | Reply | Permalink
Dude.
March 28, 2008 10:57 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks. I mean, which part of that looked serious, exactly? Have we all gone so far off the deep end that someone might argue all that for real?
March 28, 2008 11:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
Well, anneeliz, as we've just learned on TPM, sometimes reading comprehension is a bitch.
March 29, 2008 12:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
I like the California argument, it's cute.
March 28, 2008 11:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
Isn't it? ;p
March 29, 2008 12:29 AM | Reply | Permalink
Cute.
Picturing Karl Rove becoming a living Disney character without the fur--that one made me laugh out loud.
March 29, 2008 12:09 AM | Reply | Permalink
I was laughing pretty hard the whole time, but "Holy crap! I am Judas!" caught me completely off guard.
March 29, 2008 12:30 AM | Reply | Permalink
Picture it--A Prius suddenly pulls to the side of the road. Out hops Karl Rove, in a flowing, caftan-like shirt with bold African print, wearing Birkenstocks. Quickly and lightly he tiptoes to the curb to rescue a limping, mud-covered puppy. As he lovingly clutches the little pooch to his chest, he looks up to see a tipped-over trash receptacle. After righting the receptacle, he begins picking up the strewn rubbish, carefully setting aside the aluminum cans and glass and plastic containers so that he can deliver them to his church's recycling drop-box.
March 29, 2008 12:50 AM | Reply | Permalink
I wept.
March 30, 2008 12:09 AM | Reply | Permalink
When Hillary is the nominee . . .
Republicans will enjoy telling us to stop sniping at John McCain.
We'll spend September and October doing an all-night shark hop. (h/t JMM).
John McCain will say, "If my opponent wins the election, I will certainly ask Americans to support her."
And Hillary will say, "Likewise, if my opponent wins the election, I'll certainly ask Americans to support me."
March 29, 2008 12:11 AM | Reply | Permalink
So you're telling me that when Hillary gets the nomination, the world will be almost as close to heaven as Obama promises? We've got two saviors on our hands then. Hooray! Bring in the celestial choirs.
March 29, 2008 11:22 AM | Reply | Permalink
Oh, and I clearly meant 527. We just did the taxes and dealt with Little Smurf's 529s.... There are no 527s against him.
March 29, 2008 11:32 AM | Reply | Permalink
Are we going to lose the sarcasm once we have a nominee? I mean, where does one go with "The American president America has been waiting for" (aside from adding a few more Americas)? It will be a sad day if the absurdity of John McCain makes quality satire impossible.
March 29, 2008 1:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
Don't dismiss the importance of snark. Snark is the only thing that's going to get us through the next six weeks without descending into fisticuffs.
Or, hell, I guess we could have another five or six dozen acrimonious debates about the catastrophic consequences of having a mandate, or not having a mandate, in a health care plan that will be changed beyond all recognition by the time Congress passes it. Because that certainly hasn't been discussed enough yet.
March 29, 2008 2:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yes more snark, and don't you even DARE to suggest that we talk about issues, if we do I might vote Nader. *whisper* again : )
March 29, 2008 3:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
That's exactly what I meant. I'm addicted to the sarcastic posts of Sinbad, Genghis, etc. and I'm worried they will be gone when our opponent is the self-satirizing John McCain. What snark-adonis will step forward and improve upon the man's own words?
March 29, 2008 4:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
I'm confident that even if the real fake Sinbad doesn't come through until November that Genghis will find a way. Have faith in his snark. There is no fake Genghis.
March 29, 2008 8:13 PM | Reply | Permalink
'She will reach out her hand to John McCain and say, "Oh, John, you have so much experience!" And John will say, "Oh, Hillary, you have so much experience." And Hillary will say, "Oh, John, you are ready to answer the phone at 3am!" And John will say, "Oh, Hillary, you can answer the phone at FOUR am!" And Hillary will say, "You're right, John, I can."'
that got a 'lol'
March 29, 2008 2:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
As a follower of the Magical Unity Pony I can't bring myself to even consider this a possibility. It just doesn't seem right to even entertain the slightest possibility that your scenario is real. It feels like cheating. (Sob. Sign. Gasp.)
Even ... even ... even through my hysterical laughter I know its wrong to have these thoughts. Its kind of like laughing at all those sophomoric sight gags in There's Something About Mary. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I do.
Eeeewwww. Hair gel.
/snark
March 29, 2008 3:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
I thought it was, when Hillary is the MOM, like, the MOM for all of us, except my MOM didn't own a pantsuit, so maybe that's why I'm voting for Obama.
I would change (CAPS indicating change)
6) The African-Americans, the youth vote, anyone who has ever had a latte, the red states, THE PEOPLE IN THE FORTY-TWO SMALL STATES will say, "Oh, Hillary you scamp! We know you didn't mean those things you said about us. We are recognize you needed to marginalize us for the health of your campaign, and we understand you were just trying to save America from the black guy. Have our votes!"
:)
March 29, 2008 4:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
"Al Qaeda will disband in fear because Hillary is not afraid of phone-answering."
Here's what made it for me: the hyphen between the words "phone" and "answering." Also, you would be surprised how many people really are afraid of phone-answering! Phone-phobia affects millions, and it's not funny.
March 29, 2008 8:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
"I am the American President, that Americans have been waiting for"
BHO could counter with "I am the Wright one" or
"I am the Wright candidate" or if he hangs together and muddles thru he could say "I am the Wright President"
What say you McBush?
March 29, 2008 9:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
And if I hear the little girl eating mustard and relish sandwiches one more time I'm going to puke.
Does anyone really believe this story?
March 29, 2008 10:20 PM | Reply | Permalink