77 Magic Talking Guernsey Cows to Endorse Hillary Clinton
Smallton, PA-- The Clinton campaign announced today that 77 Talking Guernsey Cows will stand before microphones at 5 p.m. ET with a collective endorsement of her candidacy for the Democratic Nomination. "Many of these cows are from small Pennsylvania towns," said Clinton spokesperson, Notta Chanse.
Besides being gifted with the ability to speak, these Guernsey cows are also known for their ability to grant three wishes to anyone who milks them, something that the Clinton campaign feels will come in handy.
"You know," Clinton herself said today, "I feel really good about getting the Guernsey cow endorsement. After my father taught me to shoot guns, we went out to the barn, threw back a Boilermaker, and then he taught me how to milk a cow."
When asked if she thought the endorsement would make any difference as to who will be the Democratic Nominee, Chanse responded. "Look, we're certain that if enough magic talking cows come out for Senator Clinton, she will be the next President of the United States. If the magic cows don't show up at the polls, we understand the math, and Mrs. Clinton will step aside to write a book about the campaign, hopefully with an advance large enough to pay our outstanding bills and all my back salary."
Besides being gifted with the ability to speak, these Guernsey cows are also known for their ability to grant three wishes to anyone who milks them, something that the Clinton campaign feels will come in handy.
"You know," Clinton herself said today, "I feel really good about getting the Guernsey cow endorsement. After my father taught me to shoot guns, we went out to the barn, threw back a Boilermaker, and then he taught me how to milk a cow."
When asked if she thought the endorsement would make any difference as to who will be the Democratic Nominee, Chanse responded. "Look, we're certain that if enough magic talking cows come out for Senator Clinton, she will be the next President of the United States. If the magic cows don't show up at the polls, we understand the math, and Mrs. Clinton will step aside to write a book about the campaign, hopefully with an advance large enough to pay our outstanding bills and all my back salary."
Advertisement
Everyone knows that Guernseys are the elite folk's cows. Jerseys are the salt-of-the-earth, and as has already been announced, the most noted of Jerseys, Elsie the Cow and Elmer the Bull came out in support for Obama. Their children, Lobelia, Larabee, Beulah, and Beauregard persuaded their parents to go public with their crucial endorsement thought their enthusiastic political activism at local farm shows throughout rural Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
April 15, 2008 1:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
through, not thought. Damn typos.
April 15, 2008 1:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
Milk a cow and make a wish!
April 15, 2008 2:15 PM | Reply | Permalink
Can I get chocolate milk?
Or better yet, can it come out hot and foamy for my latte?
April 15, 2008 7:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
I thought all the happy cows were from California.
April 16, 2008 1:22 AM | Reply | Permalink
Sour milk?
Don't have a cow, man.
April 16, 2008 7:03 AM | Reply | Permalink
As a Hillary supporter, I am excited that she might now get the weight of MooooooooveOn.org behind HER!
(Thanks for this post, Brian - reminded me of a Far Side cartoon!)
April 15, 2008 2:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
They can speak and grant wishes? These are Elitist Cows!
I protest!!!!
April 15, 2008 2:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
I cannot tell you how udderly impressed I am by this moos - er - news!!
April 15, 2008 2:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
What is it with cow puns? Fight the urge.
April 15, 2008 9:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
We bulls wobble but we don't fall down.
April 16, 2008 10:30 AM | Reply | Permalink
Update: 75 Magic Talking Guernsey Cows to Endorse Hillary Clinton.
(Two MTGCs wandered too close to Annie Oakley's duckblind and have been listed as "collateral damage" by the Clinton campaign.)
April 15, 2008 2:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
Actually, only 14 showed up for the event. But they made sure everyone knew their milk wasn't bitter.
April 15, 2008 3:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
Your choice of cow is gender specific and sexist. Your post is a bunch of typical bullshit.
April 15, 2008 6:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
I assume your reply is a joke, since the cows are related to the 100 Mayor event today. And also, I think your pun using "bullshit" is hilarious! good job.
April 15, 2008 6:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
It's hard to deadpan on the Internet.
April 15, 2008 7:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
That's Hillary. Out campaigning 'til the cows come home!
April 15, 2008 6:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
Why hasn't TPM reported on this?
April 15, 2008 7:06 PM | Reply | Permalink
What do you expect from the elitists at TPM!
April 15, 2008 7:19 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yeah, Greg's udderly in the bag for Obama.
April 15, 2008 8:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
nc, I used to respect you
April 15, 2008 9:28 PM | Reply | Permalink
It was a pretty cheesy pun. I'm milking this one way too hard, I know. Sorry I curdled your good opinion of me.
April 16, 2008 11:59 AM | Reply | Permalink
You're dead to me now
April 16, 2008 1:21 PM | Reply | Permalink
Maybe it will be picked up by the Boston Globe, like this one:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/boston-herald-prints-my-f_b_96662.html
April 15, 2008 7:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
Holy crap...that is a hoot!
April 16, 2008 1:27 AM | Reply | Permalink
Um...Hillary...that's not a cow you're trying to milk...
April 15, 2008 8:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
OMG! That reminds me of the movie Kingpin!
:-D
April 16, 2008 12:58 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thank you, Brian. I really needed this. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. So damn funny.
April 15, 2008 9:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
That makes it worth it.
bri
April 15, 2008 9:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
They must be bitter cows, because happy cows come from California. (Cowlifornia?)
And isn't Guernsey one of the Channel Isles? Is she going to have to pay them for performing their talking cow, magic trickery since technically foreign cows can't donate to a campaign?
April 15, 2008 11:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
Guernseys are most certainly elitist. You should talk to the Herefords (pronounced "her-ferds," as a cowboy would, and not "hair-uh-fords," as Sir Elton would). They've got quite a beef with the Clinton campaign...
April 16, 2008 12:19 AM | Reply | Permalink
Brian,
This post is one of your best, IMO. Keep it up!
:-D
April 16, 2008 12:59 AM | Reply | Permalink
Tomorrow: watch Three Little Piglets endorse Hillary Clinton for Big Bad Wolf.
April 16, 2008 1:43 AM | Reply | Permalink
Would it be too cheesy to ask if any of these magic cows were responsible for her making a killing in "cattle futures"?
April 16, 2008 3:10 AM | Reply | Permalink
"Tomorrow: watch Three Little Piglets endorse Hillary Clinton for Big Bad Wolf."
Would those be Magic Flying Pigs?
April 16, 2008 3:12 AM | Reply | Permalink
I see everyone is going to milk this for all it's worth!
April 16, 2008 10:55 AM | Reply | Permalink
I just stopped by to see if idiotic had chimed in yet. Hmmm...I'll come back later.
April 16, 2008 11:51 AM | Reply | Permalink
Hillary Clinton, you can cow run, but you can't cow hide. Your campaign manufactured this story out of Holstein. After ruminating on this situation, I've decided that the whole election process has moved pasture ability to understand it and that after the PA primary, you'll realize that your attempt to horn in on the presidency has milked the public as much as it can and is now officially a flop. In fact, your campaign was over before St. Patty's day, and you almost taurus apart.
That's right, you herd me. You can stop hoofing all over the country. Your barn-storming is over. Don't stall. It's time to cash in your chips.
April 16, 2008 1:15 PM | Reply | Permalink