My friends,
 
As you surely know by now, Barack Obama will probably be my opponent in the 2008 Presidential election.  I look forward to facing him in a campaign that will certainly be about contrasting ideas and approaches.  To underscore the point, I gave one of the worst speeches of all time last night in front of about 100 people, some of whom were parents of a local boy scout troop that were just waiting to use the room when I was done and hoping that I would hurry it up.  I was cut off before I finished because the major networks called the Democratic Nomination for Senator Obama.  Most people would think that was a setback; however, since my speech was filled with the repetition of a tired slogan followed by me grinning maniacally, laughing like the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie and pretending that I'm not just like George Bush, I guess it's no big deal. 
 
Hopefully there wasn't so much analysis taking place between my speech, Senator Clinton's speech (and shouldn't she think about staying in this until we're ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN Barack is the nominee?  Just sayin'...), and Senator Obama's speech that no one will compare and contrast his to mine.  But my friends, I am writing you today to let you know that just in case the contrast wasn't stark enough, I have challenged Senator Obama to additional debates and other joint appearances besides the three debates currently scheduled for the General Election.  Some of you will think I've gone mad (I get a lot of that: John Dubya McCain, John McSame, John Insane.) but let me assure you, there is a method to my madness.
 
First and foremost, you have to pick your contrasts carefully, and this allows me to avoid having to deal with the contrast between me speaking in a half-empty VFW hall full of bored, confused, tired people and him speaking in venues that could easily hold all my supporters, my entire campaign staff, and all the Republicans left in Congress after the next election.  Second, it will allow me to show everyone that I'm really not as old as my age might suggest (but please, don't watch these events on High Definition televisions.  Trust me.).  Third, I know America is a nation of compassion, so when Senator Obama is wiping the floor with me and pointing out inconsistencies and plain-old discrepancies between my rhetoric, my record, and the reality you face every day, I know I can count on you all to think "Why is that angry black guy picking on that Wal Mart greeter?" and "Boy howdy, that angry black guy is mean!".  You'll be like putty in my clammy hands.  You'll be softer for me than the onions on my belt.  Once, not so long ago, having onions on your belt was the fashion of the day.  But I digress...

I look forward to standing on stages throughout this great country of ours in the months ahead and giving people just like you an opportunity to see Senator Obama and I side-by-side, discussing the issues that matter.  He'll be talking about Iraq and the Economy.  I'll be talking about the Old Country Buffet and whether or not the hours for the Senior Special are too short, too long, or just about right.  And ultimately, you the American People can decide!  God Bless You.  And God Bless America!
 
Sincerely Yours,
 
John W. McCain (R-Ariz.)