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The perfect VP for Obama
After weeks of reading breathless discussions and confident prognoses concerning Obama's running mate, I have concluded that I'm smart, and everyone else is stupid. The obvious choice is right in front of us, but most people have trouble seeing what's right in front of them because they're so stupid. (See previous sentence.)
As everyone knows, the ideal running mate for Obama would have the following qualifications:
- Military experience
- Appeal to white, working class Americans
- Swing state association
- Name recognition
- Not a Muslim
There is one American who fits these qualifications better than anyone else. You know him well.
Dick Cheney
Think about it...
Military experience. In addition to playing a key role in the invasion and occupation of Iraq, Dick Cheney was Secretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush and oversaw Desert Storm. True, he's not a war hero, but he had better things to do during the Vietnam War, as proven by his five draft deferments. And unlike Hillary Clinton in Bosnia, Dick Cheney was the target of an actual assassination attempt in Afghanistan. Now that's military cred.
Appeal to white, working class Americans. Cheney flunked out of Yale. His rejection of elitist institutions offers a counter-balance to Obama's namby-pamby teacher's-pet profile. Cheney is also very white, which offers a counter-balance to Obama's blackness. White, working-class Americans don't only like white people. They also like guns. Cheney owns a lot of guns and he knows how to use them. Finally, Cheney speaks in a low, gruff voice, which polls show white, working-class Americans appreciate.
Swing state association. Some people think that Wyoming is not a swing state, but they're stupid. Obama won 7 delegates in the Wyoming primary. McCain won 0 delegates. This demonstrates that Wyoming is up for grabs. With Cheney at his side, Obama would sweep the Equality State. Cheney could also help Obama to win Nebraska, where he was born.
Name recognition. Check.
Not a Muslim. Though he is related to Barack Obama, Dick Cheney is not a Muslim as far as I know.
Though I have presented the case for Cheney so eloquently that no one with any sense could disagree with me, I'm sure that some feeble minds will protest that Cheney is too conservative for Obama. Wake up people. The primary is over. It's time for the Obama to move right and shake off that "most liberal Senator" reputation that he's been dragging along like a decomposing albatross. He's not going to win Wyoming by prancing around with his ultra-liberal buddies. There is no better cover for a skinny liberal black elitist than a far conservative white ass-kicker.
Next post: The perfect VP for McCain - Dick Cheney
As everyone knows, the ideal running mate for Obama would have the following qualifications:
- Military experience
- Appeal to white, working class Americans
- Swing state association
- Name recognition
- Not a Muslim
There is one American who fits these qualifications better than anyone else. You know him well.
Dick Cheney
Think about it...
Military experience. In addition to playing a key role in the invasion and occupation of Iraq, Dick Cheney was Secretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush and oversaw Desert Storm. True, he's not a war hero, but he had better things to do during the Vietnam War, as proven by his five draft deferments. And unlike Hillary Clinton in Bosnia, Dick Cheney was the target of an actual assassination attempt in Afghanistan. Now that's military cred.
Appeal to white, working class Americans. Cheney flunked out of Yale. His rejection of elitist institutions offers a counter-balance to Obama's namby-pamby teacher's-pet profile. Cheney is also very white, which offers a counter-balance to Obama's blackness. White, working-class Americans don't only like white people. They also like guns. Cheney owns a lot of guns and he knows how to use them. Finally, Cheney speaks in a low, gruff voice, which polls show white, working-class Americans appreciate.
Swing state association. Some people think that Wyoming is not a swing state, but they're stupid. Obama won 7 delegates in the Wyoming primary. McCain won 0 delegates. This demonstrates that Wyoming is up for grabs. With Cheney at his side, Obama would sweep the Equality State. Cheney could also help Obama to win Nebraska, where he was born.
Name recognition. Check.
Not a Muslim. Though he is related to Barack Obama, Dick Cheney is not a Muslim as far as I know.
Though I have presented the case for Cheney so eloquently that no one with any sense could disagree with me, I'm sure that some feeble minds will protest that Cheney is too conservative for Obama. Wake up people. The primary is over. It's time for the Obama to move right and shake off that "most liberal Senator" reputation that he's been dragging along like a decomposing albatross. He's not going to win Wyoming by prancing around with his ultra-liberal buddies. There is no better cover for a skinny liberal black elitist than a far conservative white ass-kicker.
Next post: The perfect VP for McCain - Dick Cheney
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Screwed up a punchline. That was supposed to be:
June 11, 2008 8:23 PM | Reply | Permalink
Cheney certainly complements Obama's
weak, Right Wing Health Plan.
June 12, 2008 10:52 AM | Reply | Permalink
Since the primary is over, and you're still dissing Obama, does that mean that you're officially a Republican troll? Or are you rather an independent troll a la Lieberman?
June 12, 2008 12:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
Great rejoinder!
June 12, 2008 7:46 PM | Reply | Permalink
And don't forget: He's got a lesbian daughter. GLBT vote right there, baby!!
June 11, 2008 8:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
Don't we look cute together, Genghis? You with your amazing technicolored dream collar, and me with my boring burgundy one?
Any Saturday, honey. You know how to find me.
June 11, 2008 8:34 PM | Reply | Permalink
You need to get your boy DF to flash up your collar like he did mine. Then we can be a dynamic duo. Literally.
The Obama fundraiser in DUMBO was pushed back July 19. That's a Saturday, so you'd better be there.
June 11, 2008 8:55 PM | Reply | Permalink
Don't you worry, honey, I'm no square.
I even marked it on my calendar just now. In Outlook, and in ink.
DF!! Pimp my collar and I'm your slave forever. Oops. I forgot. I already am.
June 11, 2008 9:04 PM | Reply | Permalink
July 19th?? I thought it was June 19th...
June 12, 2008 12:09 AM | Reply | Permalink
Definitely July 19th
June 12, 2008 12:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
Hum.
In that case, I'd best buzz on in.
I'll start saying gas and beer money now.
:D
June 12, 2008 8:51 AM | Reply | Permalink
Er, saving.
June 12, 2008 8:52 AM | Reply | Permalink
Well if Bug is gonna be there maybe I'll see if I can be there as well. Look for the sullen guy sulking in the corner.
June 12, 2008 10:05 AM | Reply | Permalink
I hope they'll have a barbeque. I'll bring strawmen
June 12, 2008 9:24 PM | Reply | Permalink
Since Obama and Cheney are "related," he might be subject to the federal anti-nepotism laws. Drat!
June 11, 2008 8:32 PM | Reply | Permalink
Genghis:
You're back! Cheney is the guy. You forgot to mention that he gives us Wyoming and possibly Utah (if he hasn't eaten it yet).
June 11, 2008 8:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Been traveling. And lurking a bit. The cafe seems to have gone quiet. I like the new avatar. Is that in honor of become an Obamanaut? How does it feel?
June 11, 2008 8:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
It is a bit quiet. I think folks need to figure out what to do with themselevs now that the intra-family death match is over. I'm adjusting to the whole Obama thing and it's somewhat of a challenge, but I am trying to play well with others and stuff.
I got my avatar of Tom Joad in a contest which was won by the bug (workerbee):
http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/06/avatar-time.php
Ciao.
June 11, 2008 10:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
I remember the contest but didn't see the result. Workerbee is the avatar & logo queen(bee).
I find that I'm unmotivated with nothing to argue about and no one to ridicule who's actually present to take umbrage. Hence this weak snark of the name-your-favorite-VP game.
Maybe I should troll the Republican sites.
June 11, 2008 11:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
you're doing it the right way, bslev. there are many people around who could take a cue from you
June 11, 2008 11:36 PM | Reply | Permalink
Speaking as someone who totally dropped the ball in that contest, I LOVE the avatar you ended up with.
I went on a posting blitz that day and since we only get to look back at our "most recent" posts and not ALL of them, I didn't know you asked me a question.
Sorry about that, and if you're ever interested in switching out the avatar, I'll send you the rationale for Salinger :)
June 12, 2008 10:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
Do tell! :)
June 12, 2008 12:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
The way you described yourself - Luddite, non-Israel speaking, multiple marriages, New Yorker, writer by hobby (since you're on the boards, anyway), with an ironical take to many of your posts...whispered Salinger to me.
He's a recluse and pretty much anti-tech (luddite), had the many marriages, Catcher was set in NY and is one of my favorite books, and (I don't remember what post it was) but you said something about being well-intentioned that reminded me of a line in his daughter's memoir - she said he so greatly believes in PURE altruism that he'd just as soon step over a starving man than give him a handout for impure, self-serving motives.
Clearly I don't know you personally, but that was the first thing I thought of. Hope it's ok. I'm a huge Salinger fan, so it was meant to be a compliment.
June 12, 2008 12:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
I love it. Thank you friend.
June 12, 2008 1:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
welcome - and the b/w photo I found was kinda glamorous
June 12, 2008 3:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
I do too. I love it.
Between DF, you, Lamont and Genghis, I don't know which of you turns me on the most. I really don't. This place has more eye-candy for me than a cologne-scented GQ magazine.
Gr-RRrrrrr!!!!
(fans self)
June 12, 2008 6:04 PM | Reply | Permalink
Baby born with extra penis on back
Don't know why, I just wanted to post that.
June 11, 2008 8:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
That baby should be raised as a Republican. They are always looking to nominate a pair of real pricks.
June 11, 2008 9:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Canadian viagra?
June 12, 2008 12:16 AM | Reply | Permalink
Dammit. Those doctors promised me they wouldn't go to the press...
June 12, 2008 2:21 PM | Reply | Permalink
"Distressing ... baby with extra manhood" quoth The Sun
June 11, 2008 8:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Phiph. FIF. Fetus in Fetu is the official name of this abnormality, according to The Sun.
I'll bet $50 that this kid will love getting backrubs even more than the average bear.
June 11, 2008 9:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yes. Definitely Cheney. What about lining up some hunting buddies....
June 11, 2008 8:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
I am just returning from a meeting in the UK on personalized genomics and the BIG joke over there is how many people have paid for ancestry assessments and found out they are somehow related to the Big Dick. My guess is that he is an index case, and thus produces more "hits" as a result. But he could campaign on the notion that he "is family." Wonder where his grandchild's sperm came from---ewww , don't wanna go there. BTW, people in London are so pumped up about Obama. I think they are more excited than we are (and I've been an Obama mama since 2004).
June 11, 2008 10:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
Cheney and Obama are related like the family tree, and thus, unable to be legally on the same political ticket - it would be like marrying your first cousin...it's that close :-)
June 11, 2008 10:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
Oy! Genghis, I just did you-know-what a little in my you-know-what.
June 11, 2008 11:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
I appreciate your restraint
June 11, 2008 11:33 PM | Reply | Permalink
That should definitely include Rudy 911 Giuliani, Mike Fried Squirrel Huckabee, Mitt Mannequin Romney, and Fred Cataleptic Thompson. Maybe Ron The Real Maverick Paul. This is with John Walnuts McCain at the helm of course.
June 12, 2008 7:46 AM | Reply | Permalink
That's the dream cabinet. I don't know if I messed up the replying myself or if TPM gave me a hand with that.
June 12, 2008 7:47 AM | Reply | Permalink
What about McCain/Giuliani for the next post. That would be something. :)
June 11, 2008 11:24 PM | Reply | Permalink
You're thinking too small. McCain deserves a whole dream cabinet. I'll work on it this weekend.
June 11, 2008 11:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yay Genghis! I've been off TPM lately too, and it's nice to come back to some legitimate Genghal snark :)
And btw it was great to meet you! So fitting to meet my TPM hero on the same day Obama wins :)
I look forward to a scintillatingly sarcastic summer, so keep 'em coming!
June 12, 2008 12:53 AM | Reply | Permalink
Hi oakviolin! Speaking of meeting people, do you have a copy of that picture the photog guy took on your camera of the four of us TPM people who showed up in SF?
June 12, 2008 2:20 AM | Reply | Permalink
It was great to meet you too, ov. Welcome back. I'll do what I can to keep you entertained, though I can't promise to maintain the same level of dedication. It's the summertime after all. Snark is more of winter sport.
June 12, 2008 6:38 PM | Reply | Permalink
Not a Muslim. Though he is related to Barack Obama, Dick Cheney is not a Muslim as far as I know.
classic
June 12, 2008 2:06 AM | Reply | Permalink
You disappointed me, Genghis. I thought you were trying to get yourself appointed the head of Obama's VP selection committee and then pull a Cheney.
I mean, a VP with an eye-burning shirt has to count for something, right? It would definitely be Change with capital C.
June 12, 2008 6:01 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thank you for your support. While I'm not actively pursuing the role of VP, if the right definition were given to the job, then you'd be foolish not to say that you would think about it or consider it. And you'd be dishonest, likewise.
PS Some may argue that that I lack many of the qualifications for VP, but I can honestly say that I'm not a Muslim as far as I know.
June 12, 2008 8:52 AM | Reply | Permalink
You speak like a true politician. A pre-emptive non-denial denial.
Just be careful - it might be catching.
June 12, 2008 9:00 AM | Reply | Permalink
Yo G,compelling argument, but I gotta call you out on one point.Any gun owner who hasn't shot a hunting companion in the face will tell you Cheney don't know "dick" about handling a firearm.
June 12, 2008 7:11 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks, inde. Welcome to the joke.
June 12, 2008 8:45 AM | Reply | Permalink
This is perfect. Since experience is the most important measure in selecting presidential and VP candidates, no one has more experience than Cheney.
June 12, 2008 10:03 AM | Reply | Permalink
Excellent point, anneeliz. Cheney even served as acting president for two and a half hours. His experience will completely neutralize McCain's attacks on Obama.
My only fear is that McCain will select Cheney as a VP before Obama does.
June 12, 2008 10:11 AM | Reply | Permalink
I don't know - Cheney's like, 5 years younger than McCain. If McCain's a thinking man (and, I know that's a stretch) he'll pick someone OLDER than he is so that he can look youthful and energetic by comparison.
BTW: When do we get to see video of McCain doing athletic type things so he looks healthy and "young for his age?" I'm really hoping for a photo of him in tennis whites.
June 12, 2008 10:23 AM | Reply | Permalink
Someone older? How about his mom? That should give him the older white female demographic.
June 12, 2008 11:03 AM | Reply | Permalink
McCain-McCain '08. I love it.
June 12, 2008 11:35 AM | Reply | Permalink
There's a photo of John McCain in tennis whites just to right of my post, right there ---->
See him? He's smiling, waving his hand, and holding a white tennis racket. See him?
June 12, 2008 6:13 PM | Reply | Permalink
He looks kinda pale.
June 12, 2008 6:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yeah, I know. You have to adjust the contrast on your monitor's screen.
A lot.
June 12, 2008 7:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
Sorry, Genghis. There's a major flaw with your post. It would be unconstitutional for Cheney to remain President beyond this year.
June 12, 2008 10:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
LMFAO that was good. Kudos!
June 12, 2008 10:25 AM | Reply | Permalink
We're brainstorming guest speakers for the TPM-aholics fundraiser in July. Vote for Cheney:
http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/06/tpmaholics-the-best-guest-spea.php
June 12, 2008 12:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
A troll is a troll is a troll.
And, by the way, and Independent a la LIEbermann is still a Republican.
But you knew that. Funny post. Cheney is the perfect VP for any occasion.
June 12, 2008 1:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
Oops, I didn't click the "reply to Ghengis" box in time. The above comment was supposed to be in response to Ghengis reply to "Present" at 2:12pm. It makes no sense on its own. Sorry.
June 12, 2008 1:11 PM | Reply | Permalink
I heard from the Cheney camp;
He will only accept if Obama will pre-emptively agree to a hunting trip in say February.
July 27, 2008 11:19 PM | Reply | Permalink