Lessons Learned, Friends Earned
I lost a friend today. And I mourn.
Others have suffered losses too, it's not just me. So, I won't be selfish and get all maudlin on you, but I will share a lesson that I learned from this loss:
I've learned it's okay to get friendly in a political website. I've learned it's okay to get in a car and drive to Brooklyn with people I've never met before. I've learned that when I meet like-minded people with like-minded agendas, it's easy to talk about just about anything.
I've learned that making friends in any message board could bring on consequences. I've learned that thinking someone is using another username to cause harm can bring on suspicion and McCarthyism all in one breath.
I've learned that not everyone thinks or feels or speaks like I do.
I've learned that utilizing the internet to get my point across can sometimes point the arrow right at my heart.
I've learned that suspecting strangers of cruelty is a way of cheating myself of new friends, and new perspectives.
I've learned that the pain I went through from 7th grade on still lasts, when it comes to cliques, groups, outsiders, newbies.
I've learned that I am sometimes ashamed of my own behaviour.
I've learned that friends made are worth all the heartache, and then some.
I've learned that opening my mind and listening to those with other points of view always teaches me something, and allows me to walk away from the experience with -- if not a new friend made -- at least a new perspective.
I've learned that I cannot, will not, back down when it comes to my politics as they stand today.
I've learned that I love all of my friends, and the strangers who are not yet my friends, but may be soon, someday.
I've learned a lot here. So.....
Thank you, TPM, for teaching me that lessons and friendships are both valuable, and worth the heartache.
Others have suffered losses too, it's not just me. So, I won't be selfish and get all maudlin on you, but I will share a lesson that I learned from this loss:
I've learned it's okay to get friendly in a political website. I've learned it's okay to get in a car and drive to Brooklyn with people I've never met before. I've learned that when I meet like-minded people with like-minded agendas, it's easy to talk about just about anything.
I've learned that making friends in any message board could bring on consequences. I've learned that thinking someone is using another username to cause harm can bring on suspicion and McCarthyism all in one breath.
I've learned that not everyone thinks or feels or speaks like I do.
I've learned that utilizing the internet to get my point across can sometimes point the arrow right at my heart.
I've learned that suspecting strangers of cruelty is a way of cheating myself of new friends, and new perspectives.
I've learned that the pain I went through from 7th grade on still lasts, when it comes to cliques, groups, outsiders, newbies.
I've learned that I am sometimes ashamed of my own behaviour.
I've learned that friends made are worth all the heartache, and then some.
I've learned that opening my mind and listening to those with other points of view always teaches me something, and allows me to walk away from the experience with -- if not a new friend made -- at least a new perspective.
I've learned that I cannot, will not, back down when it comes to my politics as they stand today.
I've learned that I love all of my friends, and the strangers who are not yet my friends, but may be soon, someday.
I've learned a lot here. So.....
Thank you, TPM, for teaching me that lessons and friendships are both valuable, and worth the heartache.
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Damn, LisB... Why do I feel like I've stumbled into a promo for an AfterSchool Special here??
I hope you used protection.
Distance (and anonyminity) rather precludes offering much in way of solace. In lieu perhaps you might wish to check out Der Spiegel's website?? They have some very reassuring coverage on today's speech. Might serve to counter all the negatives.
Pax.
July 24, 2008 11:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
215,000+ friends of mine gathered in Berlin today, yes. I have not forgotten.
Here's a toast to more gatherings, and more friends made.
(Clink)
July 24, 2008 11:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Opening, closing....
Posts that close down discussion and make people wary of posting...
Posts that open up the community and make everyone feel welcome...
Martin Luther King talked of "the Beloved Community".
You help to make TPM such a place.
recc'd
July 24, 2008 11:27 PM | Reply | Permalink
Lux, you said it well. LisB is a crown jewel of TPM for her authenticity and honesty and compassion. Cheers. Lis.
July 25, 2008 8:36 AM | Reply | Permalink
You have a spot on my sofa anytime, Lis. Anytime.
July 24, 2008 11:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
LisB: I cannot imagine that you could lose a friend for long. You are so obviously a good person that whatever the cause of the rift, it should not last. I will hope not, for your sake.
July 25, 2008 12:00 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thank you, wwstaebler, and barefooted. Thank you for understanding.
I hope that my lack of misunderstanding so many things will make up for my lack that I feel right now.
From misunderstanding usually comes insight.
Or so they say.
July 25, 2008 12:02 AM | Reply | Permalink
And, Barefooted:
I owe you an apology. The other night I used your living room -- that wonderful oasis of light-hearted relaxation you have so generously shared with us all --to vent negative thoughts that were mine to deal with on my own.. thoughts that, after further reflection, weren't even accurate.
I am truly sorry. This would be cause for apology, in any case. But after reading through a number of threads I had not seen at the time, I realized that you were in need of a safe zone that night.
As a tangible way to make amends, and I hope to make you laugh, please read the new M.K. Andrew's book called: Savannah Breeze. Or maybe you are M.K. Andrews, because the book is about running a hotel at the beach.
July 25, 2008 12:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
I've heard of it, I think, and will have to give it a read.
An apology? New rule - never from you, never. My space is there for a reason, as a place for all to feel comfortable enough to say what they feel. It's not to provide me with a safe zone, but one for everyone. Grand ideal? Borderline rediculous? 'Natch! But the intent remains the same.
You will always be one of my favorite guests.
July 25, 2008 12:41 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thank you for that. I do appreciate it.
What can we do to cheer up LisB? We could all use a laugh, as it's been a bit tense. Shall we initiate LisB. into the secrets of being southern? For example, LisB:
1) you must not only be quirky, but also truly proud of it;
2) you must learn to stretch two-syllable words into three, and sometimes four syllables;
3) you must, without thinking, call everyone "Ma'am" and "Sir," preferably with a "please" or "thank you" attached to it;
Barefooted?
Is this worth it? Or shall we try something else?
July 25, 2008 1:03 AM | Reply | Permalink
I lived in Florida for three years, and my best friend there was a boy from South Carolina.
We used to argue, endlessly, over how to pronounce the word "Pool".
He always said "Poo".
I never found it in myself to correct him the hard way.
July 25, 2008 1:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
You are too funny, LisB. What resilience you show.
July 25, 2008 1:35 AM | Reply | Permalink
When you have a distance to travel it's a "fir piece". Beacause, of course, you're going "over yonder". To see a friend so you can "bless his heart"!
July 25, 2008 1:44 AM | Reply | Permalink
And iced tea is an excellent beverage year-round, all times of the day, including breakfast. :)
July 25, 2008 10:40 AM | Reply | Permalink
But it has to be sweet! Gaggingly so.
July 25, 2008 2:44 PM | Reply | Permalink
I remember travelling south with my son for the first time and stopping at a diner and the waitress was walking around the tables and asking, "Would'ya like some swee' tey?" I had no idea what she was talking about and I was getting a little anxious, because I had not idea what I would say when she got to our table, until I realized she was referring to the beverage that she was pouring - Sweet Tea.
July 25, 2008 3:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
And of course, y'all said yes! LisB, try some sweet tea. It's not for everyone, but sometimes it's just perfect.
July 25, 2008 4:11 PM | Reply | Permalink
Okay, what are you talking about? You've written about many extremely personal and emotional things in the past, but this time you're going to be oblique? I don't think it's fair to be so oblique when you're talking about this forum.
July 25, 2008 12:19 AM | Reply | Permalink
To whom are you speaking, Gasket?
July 25, 2008 12:30 AM | Reply | Permalink
LisB.
July 25, 2008 1:02 AM | Reply | Permalink
readytoblowagasket?
It helps if you breathe in....and then out....
And then in.....and then out......
Trust me on this.
July 25, 2008 12:56 AM | Reply | Permalink
I asked a genuine question. Why did you give a condescending answer?
July 25, 2008 1:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
Because sometimes, ready, I'm allowed to be oblique, just as you are ready to blow a gasket.
To each, his or her own.
July 25, 2008 1:12 AM | Reply | Permalink
I didn't blow a gasket at you, and your snotty response is unwarranted. I thought this was a public site, not a private chat room, which is the crux my original request for clarification. I'm "allowed" to ask you, the original poster, what you are talking about, aren't I?
Because it's a public forum, your post appears to be completely inappropriate for engendering political discussion.
In your view, however, you're "allowed to be" oblique and exclusive on a high-traffic political blog, which is shared with the vast general public, and you're talking about specific people here at TPM who read the posts and don't know who you're talking about.
So, okay, it's your own personal, private site, LisB. I get it now.
I wonder if Josh sees it that way.
July 25, 2008 1:41 AM | Reply | Permalink
"Because it's a public forum, your post appears to be completely inappropriate for engendering political discussion."
Wow. You must REALLY hate my stuff. But feel free to drop by anytime.
July 25, 2008 1:49 AM | Reply | Permalink
No, actually I don't hate your posts, barefooted. Your posts invite everyone.
LisB's excludes.
July 25, 2008 1:55 AM | Reply | Permalink
I don't think her intent has ever been to exclude anyone. You basically said that yourself in your first comment. But, she has the right to exclude us all in regards to personal information whenever she chooses.
And thanks for not hating my posts. Again, feel free to stop by whenever in the neighborhood.
July 25, 2008 2:00 AM | Reply | Permalink
Because the site is a public small-d democratic forum, I think it's inappropriate to allude to fellow TPM commenters as the subject for a post. That's a personal opinion, not a TPM policy, but I think writing such posts has the effect of excluding people, of making the site even more of a clique than it normally is. I have called out other people for doing it too (they didn't like it, either). But because the site is democratic (in theory), I am exercising my right to contribute, and so I am saying what I think about LisB's post.
If LisB doesn't want to clarify what she's talking about in her own OP, then maybe there's something wrong with the subject matter rather than with my question.
July 25, 2008 2:21 AM | Reply | Permalink
Apparently I'm ignorant - you think she was referring to a TPM commenter in her subject? A specific person as the lost friend? So that only a few in her "clique" would understand?
If so, I don't understand because I don't see it. I guess I'm missing your point entirely.
July 25, 2008 2:37 AM | Reply | Permalink
Yes, that's how it reads.
July 25, 2008 2:45 AM | Reply | Permalink
Not to me, Gasket. I'm not in a clique, don't think I ever have been - even in school. Never was able to distance myself that much from everyone else. Maybe you're right, maybe I am. I think only the writer knows for sure. Unless you know something else, doesn't she deserve the benefit of your doubt?
July 25, 2008 3:05 AM | Reply | Permalink
Readytoblow, I wish you a good night. Thanks for your understanding and support. Much love to you always,
LisB
July 25, 2008 3:15 AM | Reply | Permalink
gasket. it's not my place, but go to y'day's long post, "fake/real." start at end of thread. it was a bad day. some friends are missing. go to tpm-aholics if you want more - archives for last 2 days.
July 25, 2008 3:55 AM | Reply | Permalink
At the risk of being stuck in the corner, thanks, quinn.
July 25, 2008 4:07 AM | Reply | Permalink
And....because what I write about myself, however personal and emotional, is about myself.
July 25, 2008 1:25 AM | Reply | Permalink
You usually make a political connection to your personal stories, making them relevant to the site. This post doesn't do that at all.
July 25, 2008 1:45 AM | Reply | Permalink
In politics, to each his or her own.
Happy, now?
In misunderstandings about politics and about people, we all must learn to agree to disagree.
Is that better?
July 25, 2008 1:56 AM | Reply | Permalink
No. But like I said above, I didn't realize TPM was your own personal site. My mistake!
July 25, 2008 2:01 AM | Reply | Permalink
It's not, luv. It's not. It belongs to Josh. And I'm grateful that he's patient and puts up with me.
July 25, 2008 2:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
And ALL of us.
July 25, 2008 2:20 AM | Reply | Permalink
LisB. Recommended. You're stand-up. And a good friend not only to your existing friends, but to newcomers as well. You done great. Keep on being who you're being. It's worthwhile.
And the Clash rock.
July 25, 2008 12:32 AM | Reply | Permalink
Quinn Esq:
I owe you an apology as well, as I misintrepreted something you said. But more about that at another time?
July 25, 2008 12:38 AM | Reply | Permalink
No problem. And I'd be happy to skip the apology part (like I said, I've received 13 & handed out 14 these last few days) and just continue on with our discussions. Why waste time, eh? ;-)
July 25, 2008 1:03 AM | Reply | Permalink
We Rock the Casbah, baby!
Even with tubes up our noses and all.
July 25, 2008 12:55 AM | Reply | Permalink
Except to me.
July 25, 2008 1:05 AM | Reply | Permalink
I have learned, through this long crazy life of mine, that I should always welcome strangers and their points of view.
I have also learned, readytoblowagasket, that some people just don't understand me, and vice versa.
And that's okay too.
If you come to understand me, I will probably come to understand you. Two-way streets are easier to navigate, are they not?
July 25, 2008 1:39 AM | Reply | Permalink
I was honestly trying to understand you by asking you to clarify.
So thanks for the attitude!
July 25, 2008 1:53 AM | Reply | Permalink
Attitude belongs to its owner.
July 25, 2008 2:01 AM | Reply | Permalink
That's why I'm giving it back to you.
July 25, 2008 2:03 AM | Reply | Permalink
Give, and give often. Charities need people so dedicated to others as you are.
Ready, don't play me for a silly fool. I have seen too many losses.
July 25, 2008 2:34 AM | Reply | Permalink
I'm not playing you for a fool. You're too suspicious of my motives and you jump to conclusions that I can't even fathom. So you win, I give up.
July 25, 2008 2:44 AM | Reply | Permalink
Sox misses you.
July 25, 2008 2:10 AM | Reply | Permalink
*scratches Sox behind the ears*
*hits the sweet spot under the neck*
Wow, I wasn't ready for the leg kicking out at me, LOL!!!! I'm used to Dachschunds! They have shorter legs, heh.
*looks down at Sox*
*sees loyal and loving eyes staring back*
Dogs are wonders, aren't they?
Thanks again, Sox. I'm glad you understand.
*throws tennis ball across room*
July 25, 2008 2:57 AM | Reply | Permalink
Watch it, will ya? She'll destroy the whole place and be the happiest camper in the room. Then I have to clean up! OK, good throw, she's on the way back now...
July 25, 2008 3:37 AM | Reply | Permalink
Eloquence and grace all in one post. Nicely done.
July 25, 2008 1:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
amen
July 25, 2008 1:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
Hey, what happened to your shirt. It's stuck.
July 25, 2008 1:14 AM | Reply | Permalink
It's working in my browser
July 25, 2008 1:15 AM | Reply | Permalink
All is right with the world: the shirt is back. I have computer gremlins tonight.
July 25, 2008 1:23 AM | Reply | Permalink
Genghis, your shirt will always work in my browser....
But, heh. That's just me.
July 25, 2008 1:23 AM | Reply | Permalink
Maybe not for long. I'm going to hold a shirt-off for Obama. Allsburg's idea, sort of. He offered to donate $200 if I lost the shirt. Paige countered the same if I kept it. So I'm going to hold a competition between the shirt's detractors and its supporters. Whoever pledges more gets their way with the shirt.
July 25, 2008 1:42 AM | Reply | Permalink
Excellent fundraising idea!
I will not disclose my vote. But if it works, I might have a "Hair Off" to counter your "Shirt Off".
Should I go blond, light brown, or red?
July 25, 2008 1:49 AM | Reply | Permalink
C'mon Genghis, don't be stingy. Put the pants up for auction, and you'll see a whole lot more cash I bet. Come on baby - take it off for Barack!
P.S. I'm not bidding, mind you, just sayin'. Just so we're clear on that. But then again, neither am I a homophobe. It's just.... that Worcester reputation worries me......
Ark Ark! Mars Attacks!
July 25, 2008 3:48 AM | Reply | Permalink
You're really funny ... sometimes.
July 25, 2008 4:09 AM | Reply | Permalink
Oh, and, um....for what it's worth....the political point to this post is:
We should all try to befriend one another. Because in the end, friends do really count.
As do votes.
July 25, 2008 2:59 AM | Reply | Permalink
Nice post, Lis.
I have always found TPM more positive than negative, more entertaining than schoolyard.
My position is, I like posting, writing, creating, making friends, Democrats generally, reading snark, humor, characters that entertain.
I don't like assholes, and people yelling in threads, but I refuse to get dragged down. Others have had some wise comments on this, I'll post my two cents on it later.
FWIW, I made a list of my fave posters, which I'll not post, it's too sugary, but you're one of mine. TPM is diverse in people, modes of expression, modes of entertainment. That's my TPM.
July 25, 2008 1:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
Been busy today, Lis, but you know you are one of my faves, both for your honesty and personal expression of self and for your political commitment. We're all learning, hopefully, and all hoping for a better human society on this beautiful and unique planet.
July 25, 2008 6:15 PM | Reply | Permalink
Good post, LisB.
July 25, 2008 8:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
O Lis - do I have a story for you, sweetheart. And all the cynics who are giving you a rough time.
In the last few years I've started meeting people in real space whom I first knew online, and with only about a couple of exceptions, every one of them is even more remarkable in real space than online.
Case in point: I don't know how much you know about pueblos and pueblo Indians, but in Taos, where I am right now, I live across the highway from the Taos rez and Taos Pueblo. It's the most beautiful of the 19 pueblos; it's the oldest continually inhabited structure in the US. It's still 5 stories on the North Side.
I had company last week and I took them to the pueblo. There are many artists among the Taos and the pueblo Indians and the Navajos are the most artistic of the Indians (and the Indians I know are not at all offended by "Indian"). So there are lots of little galleries and shops on the ground floor of the pueblo.
We went into one where this really lovely woman who was running the place for a Taos Indian who is a jeweler. I wrote a check for something and she looked at it and said: I know this name. The bottom line was that she was the blogger Lilith - a long time regular at a blog where I hung out for years; she was Steve Gilliard's editor when he was Kos's first co-blogger. I've known her online for over 6 years. It was awesome.
Turns out, she's an Ojibway and her boyfriend is the Taos Indian jeweler. I have a picture of him. Holy shit! Is she lucky. And I have now a friend out at the pueblo, which I really like.
This is in addition to my dear friends in Alburquerque, whom I first met online. And my dear friends in Phoenix and Oakland, whom I do get to see. And my motherfucking heart (to quote Nas) who lives up in upper Washington state.
Some of the most outstanding people I've ever met are people I first met online.
July 25, 2008 8:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
LisB - I have absolutely no criticism for you and I think you should post whatever you want. However, I want to share my personal reaction which is that when reading your post I had no idea what you were talking about. Now I think maybe I wasn't supposed to. The thing is, I would have liked to know what you were talking about, so I could have known how I felt about what you were talking about. I sort of felt like I was supposed to know something but didn't. It's not something I am too worried about but I thought in the interest of honesty and posting what we feel, I'd post what I felt.
July 27, 2008 12:10 AM | Reply | Permalink