As I noted yesterday, Barack Obama is clearly a goonie. But you may be saying to yourself, "Sure, he's a goonie, but how can I used my knowledge of films of the 1980s to understand the politics surrounding the current presidential campaign?"

Well, I am here to help. 

The Goonies represent the Democrats generally.  They are a good group of kids who are just trying to stick together during tough economic times.

Now, Barack Obama is Mikey Walsh.  He's young and hasn't done this sort of thing before, but he's smart and courageous, and with a little help from his friends, he might just find One-Eyed Willie's treasure.

The treasure, of course, is the presidency.  Everybody wants it, but only a few people can have it.

Within the Goonies we have Mouth, Data, and Chunk, and then there's Brand, Andy, and Stef. 

Mouth is easily recognizable as Terry McAuliffe.  Sure, he's on the same team as Mikey, but sometimes you wonder why, and in any case he has a thing for Stef.  Stef represents Hillary Clinton.  She's the older woman who doesn't like the goonies, but she also has to get out of the cave and they're the only way forward.

Data is the netroots and blogs. They don't get any respect, but with their varied inventions from Pinchers of Peril (citizen journalism) to Slick Shoes (googlebombs), they do a lot to support and protect the goonies.

Then there is Chunk.  Chunk is Ed Rendell.  He clearly wants to run with the cool kids, but he's really just sort of fat and comical.

Finally, Brand and Andy.  Brand is Joe Biden and other older statesmen.  Men and women of conscience who have a little more experience than Mikey, but who still want to help their little brother.  Andy is clearly Michelle Obama.  She's hot, she's popular, but she's also misunderstood.  Even though she's a cheerleader, underneath she's a goonie too.

Now, the goonies are being pursued by the Fratellis.  Naturally, the Fratellis are the Republicans.

Ma Fratelli is Dick Cheney--the old, evil leader of a criminal gang who tries to avoid public scrutiny by hiding in abandoned restaurants and other undisclosed locations.  Francis Fratelli and Joe Fratelli together represent the rest of the Republican party.  They're criminals and prone to fighting with each other, but you can't really tell them apart, and for some reason, they like opera. 

Sloth, of course, represents George Bush.  He's a lumbering idiot who has spent much of his life chained to a wall.  He loves candy bars and ice cream, and though he is initially scary, he ends up helping the goonies escape from a dark collapsing cave.

So what about John McCain?  Well McCain is a Chester Copperpot, a dessicated corpse who was also after One Eyed Willie's treasure, but who through his own sheer incompetence, was crushed by large rocks. 

If The Goonies is any measure of the campaign, and I clearly think it is, over the next few months we can expect to face many booby traps, play a piano made of bones, ride a water slide or two, and find One Eyed Willie's ship.  The treasure will nearly be stolen by the Fratellis, but the goonies will escape with enough jewels to save their parents homes. 

We're in for a good time.