As "veepmas" fast approaches, and speculation as to whom Obama will tap for the Vice Presidency runs rampant, I would like to throw out one more possibility: me.

Now I know you're asking why a pseudonymous blogger, with no political experience whatsoever, would make a good choice for Obama's running mate.  So let me lay out the reasons:

First, because Obama is such a gifted and charismatic personality, the last thing he wants sharing his ticket is someone equally dynamic and telegenic.  As a middle-aged, slightly overweight librarian, I can promise that when I stand next to him on the podium, I will not steal a single photon of the spotlight from the main event.  And when I speak into the mic at rallies, I can guarantee it will make people think fondly of our candidate, saying to themselves, "I wish Obama were speaking instead."

Second, if Obama picks me I can guarantee that my home state, Massachusetts, will go blue this year.

Third, it is clear that real estate, how much our candidates have and how it was acquired, will be a hot button issue this year.  As someone who doesn't own a single piece of property, whose most valuable possession is a 1978 Fender Precision Bass (without its original bridge), I can withstand any amount of press scrutiny on the real estate front.

Finally, I would unite the party.  Whether they supported Obama or Clinton (or Gravel) in the primary, upon the announcement of my selection, all Democrats will be united in saying, "WTF was he smoking?"

So there are three good reasons for Agio to be Obama's running mate.  However, looking beyond the election itself, I believe I could serve ably as Vice President to the 44th President of these United States.

Here's why: The problem with most Vice Presidents is that they are ambitious people in their own right.  They cannot accept the wisdom of our Founding Fathers that the Vice-Presidency is, in the words of John Adams, "the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived."  Either we have an Al Gore-type VP, constantly burnishing his accolades in preparation for an eventual Presidential run, or we have someone like our current VP, constantly shooting his friends in the face in preparation for an eventual ascension to Necromonger Ubercommandant of the Underverse. 

For my part, I promise that I would not only accept my uselessness but in fact relish it.  Only having to show up to work when the Senate is deadlocked and needs a tie-breaking vote, sounds like the perfect job for me. 

And moreover, I already excel at the one talent that Vice Presidents need: the ability to provide one's opinion in a decisive-sounding manner while knowing that it will be completely ignored.  I'm great at this: just ask my wife.

However, even though they are officially powerless, Vice Presidents do fulfill a traditional role of picking pet causes and speaking out on their behalf, a sort of "mini-bully pulpit" if you will, from which to encourage Americans to think about issues in the national interest.  Often, these are things that the President himself is too busy to advocate for.  For Al Gore it was climate change; for Dan Quayle, spelling reform; for our current V.P. it is the medicinal benefits of twice-daily bathing in the freshly-harvested blood of virgins.

So as V.P. I would use my vice-megaphone to advocate for the following issues:

1. I would call on Americans to bring an end to the nationwide scourge of overdue library books, and advocate for the need for tougher fines (even up to ten cents a day) to bring this epidemic under control.

2.  I would advocate for legalizing "it."  Because, you know, everyone wants "it" legalized, don't they.  I sure do.

3.  I would initiate a nationwide movement to get the burrito named the Official Food of the United States of America.  Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Wait, isn't the burrito Mexican?"  But the truth is, the burrito was invented right here in the USA, and with its unpretentious combination of zesty spices, yummy fillings, and cool cool sour cream, all wrapped inside a giant flour tortilla, it is a perfect metaphor for the deliciously multicultural society we now inhabit.  Americans already eat millions of burritos per annum, and the number can only be expected to rise (see #2, above.)

So there you have it.  Obama / Agio '08.  Because this year the election is all about "change."  And I change my underwear, almost every day.