Flat Tire McCain

Senator John McCain today won the endorsement of Brooklyn's most famous bus driver, Ralph Cramden.

Interviewed while trying to turn his bus around on the Belt Parkway, Mr. Cramden said, "I have to support the only candidate who realizes we should all let some air out of our tires.  It's about time."

When it was pointed out that flat tires will only decrease fuel economy, he said, "Of course!  That's the point!

"Look, there's only one source of gas, and that's the oil companies.  They're the key.  We have to help them increase production by using as much as we can.  Every idiot who's heard of 'economies of scale' will tell you the more you buy, the more you save.  Don't you know you can trust your car to the Man Who Wears the Star?  If it weren't true, they couldn't have said it on TV last night!"

Experts confirmed that reducing tire pressure would cause cars to travel more slowly.  Some suggested that it might eliminate the need for lower speed limits, thereby saving thousands of lives.

Other experts observed that if you let all the air out of a car's tires, it will consume no gas at all.

Increased ridership on Brooklyn's buses would also be a beneficial side-effect.

In accepting Mr. Cramden's endorsement, Sen. McCain said he would soon be letting all the air out of half the tires on the Straight Talk Express.  He did not elaborate as to whether those tires were on the left or the right side of the bus.  But he did confirm that his Flat Tire strategy had been thoroughly examined and approved by his chief economic advisor, Phil Gramm, even though it might lead to increased engine whining.

While acknowledging his gratitude for Mr. Cramden's endorsement, Sen. McCain explained his decision to not appear with him in person by noting that, "Ralph's a great working-class white guy and all, but he's just too much of a, well, a celebrity.  You know how I feel about celebrities."

Sen. McCain also offered to help Mr. Cramden send Alice to the moon, should he ever be asked.  His first wife, Carol McCain, did not immediately return a phone message asking her to comment.