Press: Wait a minute.  Aunt Jemima is a brand of syrup, an inanimate object!  This is beyond ridiculous!

Jemima spokesman Rick Davis: Wrong. That's racist, sexist and un-American.  Aunt Jemima has a storied history in this great country and has none nothing but bring smiles and happiness to millions of American families.

P: But that's not the point - this isn't a candidate, it's a product placement!

RD: Hold on - a brand represents an idea, and this idea is wholesome, sweet and pure.  Americans yearn for a fresh start, a renewal, and Aunt Jemimah will restore our pride, return us to our roots.  It should also be noted that Aunt Jemima has a full staff so it's not like she'd be making decisions by herself.  Any suggestion that a black woman cannot lead is representative of the darkest undercurrents of hate in this country.

P: But, but...  It's not a "she," Mr. Davis, it's a label!  I can't believe you're serious.

RD: We are serious.  And WE can't believe that just when we're trying to make the American people more secure, more prosperous and display the diversity of the the Republican base, the Democrats and the press want to tear down a woman simply because she has done so much good.  It's an outrage that no able-bodied, white, male candidate would have to endure.

P: That's not hardly the point....

RD: Wrong!  That IS the point and you don't get it.  This isn't about records, even though I would point out that there is nothing, NOTHING, in Aunt Jemima's past to suggest that she's anything but wholesome, anything but America's beloved aunt!

P: Okay, let's talk about issues.

RD: We welcome a debate about issues, so long as it is focused squarely on how we're representing the truth.

P: She's done nothing.  And I don't mean that figuratively.  Nothing.

RD: That is obscene!  Here you go again, distracting voters with smears and ugly nonsense.  Listen, we are fielding a candidate who has added to the health, well-being and happiness of a majority of Americans.  Her candidacy is historic and she will make us all proud.  Unlike any candidate the Democrats put forward, we can legitimately say that ours has done nothing wrong, ever!

P: This is absurdity.  Straight up, your campaign is a lie, top to bottom.

RD: Is not.  Anyway, this election is not about who's telling the truth or who's lying, but who makes the American people feel good, feel safe in their homes and can restore this country's pride.  Aunt Jemima is the only candidate qualified for that job and Americans know it.

P: How will you stage debates?  Negotiate with foreign powers?  Appoint Supreme Court justices?

RD: Aunt Jemima cannot speak due to a physical disability and I am frankly appalled that you would again attack this historic candidate - a disabled black woman running for the highest office!  Obscene.  This is exactly the dark politics that the American people will reject - attacks, racism, sexism and discrimination against the disabled.  How dare you?
But to the larger question of how she will navigate the State of the Union address or talking tough to our enemies, we are more than confident that Vice President McCain will confidently support Ms. Jemima in her duties, restoring our historic toughness which has been so greatly diminished by the left.