I was just having a lively debate with a close friend of mine who disagrees with me about… well pretty much any issue you can disagree about in America.  I love this person, I respect this person to my very core and we openly disagree DAILY.   Now, if all you do is watch TV, you should believe that the fact that we disagree and the fact that we love each other – or that we even speak to one another – should be mutually exclusive.

But this is not the case.

I think one of the fundamental reasons that our government (any government) is so dysfunctional is that many of our leaders have lost their ability to simultaneously respect and disagree with one another.  “ I respectfully dissent.”  Can’t you just hear the guy in the blouse and powdery white wig suggesting that (insert flamboyant regional accent here) “although the Senator from La-la land has nothing but admiration for the Senator from East Nowehere and his earnest desire to see an outcome that is agreeable to all parties, I must disagree on these points” and he proceeds to calmly, yet passionately explain his position.  This stuff was uttered and, in most cases was meant with sincerity, in our own nation’s history.  But today, although the words may still echo through a legislative chamber or a debate hall, the sentiment behind those words has vanished. 

The debate last night is a good example.   How are we supposed to believe that Senator McCain has ANY respect or admiration for Barack Obama when he won’t even acknowledge him with a courteous glance – not ONCE – during a 90-plus-minute debate?  I think everyone agrees that these guys have overarching ideologies that are in direct opposition on almost any issue you want to pick.  They don’t agree on the War in Iraq.  They don’t agree on welfare – corporate or social.  They don’t agree on reproductive rights.  They don’t agree on how we should organize a healthcare system, an education system, or any system that exists or might exist in our social structure.  But they do, in my estimation, agree that America is a great nation to which we should all give the very best that we have to offer.  Barack Obama and John McCain has each been chosen by members of his own political party (all well-meaning Americans) to represent them in this presidential election and to me, that garners each man at least some respectful eye-contact.  When you put up a wall (whether physical or proverbial) between yourself and another human being – it is a broken relationship.  People in a broken relationship have a REALLY hard time solving problems.

To illustrate, let’s look at an instance when people with opposing ideologies coupled with mutual respect have successfully come to the table to work on a problem.  The SCHIP program has its roots in a cooperative, relational, political conversation between Senator Orrin Hatch – a stalwart conservative Mormon from Utah – and Senator Ted Kennedy – an old-fashioned liberal Catholic from Massachusetts.  These are men who served together and, over time, developed a friendship upon which they built a program that served hundreds of thousands of children in the U.S. who, before had slipped through the cracks of our healthcare system.  They probably knew that they weren’t going to be able to agree on legislation that would fix the entire broken system, but they found common ground – the desire to help some poor children receive coverage – and used their considerable talents to make a difference.  Isn’t it amazing what can be built on a foundation of respect?

So it’s not impossible.  But if you aren’t able to acknowledge your opponent as even a legitimate entity, then what foundation do you have for building ANYTHING?  Is this what we can expect from McCain when he meets with world leaders?  I don’t agree with you.  I don’t like you.  And I will not acknowledge your presence.  In some cultures, that isn’t just rude – it’s unforgiveable.  But maybe McCain isn’t going to meet with leaders with whom he disagrees.  Perhaps he’s afraid that making eye-contact will cause him to erupt in anger or that looking at them -- recognizing their human face – will somehow legitimize their opposing view (like Ahmedinajad’s outrageous words about Israel).  Maybe he’s going to set “preconditions” that include “my way or the highway”.  I’m not sure how you can maintain positive diplomatic relationships or transform negative or non-existent ones when you are fundamentally unable to see your counterpart as a person.  If the eyes are the window to the soul and you won’t look into someone’s eyes, then you cannot see their humanity, a component of common ground .  How can you believe that transformation (see: change) is possible for yourself but deem it impossible for another?  And if you’re not looking to be transformed – always looking to grow – how can you create it in anyone else, let alone a nation? 

If John McCain refuses to look at Barack Obama – his peer, whether he will admit it or not – how can we expect him to look at us and see what we need as a nation?