Kind of makes me want to go back to my evil chimp avatar.

Scientists have long observed that bonobo chimps - "humankind's closest genetic relatives" - are rather fanatical about using sex as part of much of their daily routine. (Pick nits, have sex. Swing through trees? Have sex. Clean toes? Have sex. Okay, perhaps there are some subtle differences from humans.)

What they hadn't noticed was the bonobos (or is that bonoboes? Dan Quayle, help me...) also go in for cannibalism and what might politely be termed "finger food" (going the Jakuza one better).

Tipped off by increasingly hostile behavior during this year's campaigns, scientists decided to observe primates in Africa for similar anti-social tendencies, and discovered mutilations, cannibalism, and inappropriate signs at political gatherings.

Palintologists were rather pleased with their discovery - "it's one thing to say just toss out a hunch on a talk show, but it's another thing to actually prove it in the field". Equipped with modified snowmobiles, the group had plowed through African bush for months searching for supporting evidence, but when they came across certain clear-cut tracts of land, they realized they might just be close to the intolerance zone they'd hypothesized.

Met by marauding chimps typically following a single boisterous leader, it was difficult for scientists to get a word in edgewise, but once they convinced the chimps of their sincere interest and party affiliation, the details poured out - sacks of hush money, separate sets of books, and finally, the locations where the bodies were stored.

Intrigued, the scientists followed the behavior for several more months, noting it followed a particular pattern of "shunning", increasingly making the offending group different and isolated, assigning malicious intent to the group, coming up with degrading signs and expressions, waving of genetalia, spreading lies and innuendos, and finally a complex communication system involving coconuts, tree calls, chest thumping and fax. Eventually the behavior would step over the line, with 1 or 2 assigned "defenders" sent out to provoke a group response. The results, the researchers took care to note, weren't pretty - all night barbecues, chimp-kebab, ribs and "wings", and shoutings of "toga, toga, toga". Surprisingly, the diet was relatively fat-free and low in carbohydrates, allowing the chimps to run amok for days while keeping a slim physique.

Scientists are still collating the evidence in preparation for publication, but they look close to assigning the species a closer standing to humans than has evern been ascribed before. The Academy of Science is considering the new term, "Chimpus Politicus", for its next scheduled meeting in January.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/10/081013-bonobos-attack-missions.html